EMPTY NEST WEEKENDS

Sep 23, 2011 by Peggy Nolan

I am thrilled to bring you this guest blog by Linda Yellin, author of THE LAST BLIND DATE

Empty Nest Weekends

When no-kids-me married two-kids-Randy after a long distance (Chicago to New York) and long time (almost three years) relationship, I ended up in a new city, new job, new apartment, and new marriage. I might as well have entered the Federal Witness Protection Program. But there was one thing that didn’t change: Randy spent every Tuesday and Thursday nights at his kids’ (okay, his ex’s) apartment preparing them dinner (okay, usually a phone and a take-out menu were involved), helping with their homework, and getting them to bed. And every other weekend, they stayed at our apartment.

We called those “Kids Weekends.”

The other weekends were “Honey Weekends” – which as I type the words, looks cringe-worthy corny, but the intent definitely was corny: Time alone with your honey. I considered it the perfect balance. As a non-mom I now got to partake in afternoon bowling; sideline soccer game cheering; Halloween decorations; and enjoy hours of listening to Mario’s theme song and Donkey Kong sound effects. (Let’s just make note of that last new experience again: hours.) And I had my honey time.

Kids Weekends were sacred. I married a man who’s a devoted father, just one of the many things I love about him. (Not to say that I was personally looking for a father figure, just that I believe being a good dad’s an important quality in any man who happens to be a dad.) We’d turn down any social invitations that didn’t involve the kids; we’d plan our weekends around them. The kids were Benjamin, 8, and Phoebe, 11. (at least at the point I showed up in New York. They were eventually Benjamin, 9, and Phoebe, 12. Then Benjamin 10, Phoebe, 13. You get the idea. Plus we don’t want to linger on the year of Phoebe, 13.)

Phoebe was the first to tell us she wouldn’t be available on a Saturday afternoon, that she had plans with her friends. Soon she had plans with her friends on Saturday nights and Sunday afternoons. Benjamin also found activities that were more compelling than the pleasure of our company. The guys this. The guys that. Phoebe with her friends and Benjamin with the guys. Randy would pout. I’d go read a book.

Soon the scenario became, “Well, I could sleep over, but it’s really more convenient if I just sleep at home.” It took us about two years to notice that the kids had full, busy social lives on “Kids Weekends” while we were sitting around with our thumbs up our butts. Over the summers we stayed home and retiled our kitchen and re-grouted our tubs, did chores to make our apartment more inviting, while the kids went off to Teen Tours, horseback riding camps (Phoebe), tennis camps (Benjamin). Even I was having abandonment issues, and I was the stepmom. Slowly, gradually, we started making movie dates and dinner dates with our friends, our guys.

Then something changed. Phoebe graduated college and moved in with us for six months. She stayed for two and a half years. Now she’s off on her own, having moved last year to – of all places –Chicago. Benjamin’s also graduated college and for the past seven months he’s been interning at a U.N. job in Switzerland (aka “no pay.”) When he returns to the States in November he’ll be moving in with us. It’ll be a bit of an adjustment. Going from alternate Honey Weekends to All Honey Weekends, then no Honey Weekends and back to All and once again no Honey Weekends.

The one thing I’ve learned is that the kids come and go. I’m grateful that I love them, and I’m happy when they’re here. And I’m grateful that I love my honey, and happy when they’re not.

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Linda Yellin’s new memoir THE LAST BLIND DATE is about her falling in love, packing her bags, and starting over in the city that eats its young. And about trying really really hard to be a good stepmom. You can read an excerpt at LindaYellin.com. She’s being called The Midwest Nora Ephron.

Get Linda’s book!