Don’t Take It Personally – The 40 Day Challenge
If you haven’t listened to our show with Cathryn from Monday night, I encourage you to give it a listen. Cathryn’s advice and practical application of “Don’t take it personally” is like a life raft in the middle of raging seas.
You can click on the radio show widget to your left and listen to our show with Cathryn right here – wow – how cool is that!
At the end of the show, Erin and I came up with a 40 day challenge to not take it personally and every time you do take it personally, to keep a journal and track your feelings – why did you take it personally? What feelings came up with Little Susie screamed, “your not my mother” or when Little Billy refused to eat the homemade meal you just cooked. or when your DH said something that made you cry.
One stepmom is blogging her challenge and you can check out her progress at http://wordpress.cafesmom.com/
You don’t have to blog about this challenge, but I encourage you to keep a journal – any single notebook will do (and a nice pen…I like nice pens that write smooth bold lines!)
Leave a comment if you say YES to the challenge. I’d love to hear about your progress over the next forty days!
Related Posts
Tags
Share This
I would love to do this challenge. Don’t have time to blog every day but would love to twitter every day for 40 days on the subject!
@urbanstepmom
This is so great. It reminds me of an exercise I did in graduate school where I charted my fights with my sd. I had to actively think about what happened during our conflicts… frequency of fights, triggers (what started it), level of intensity, time spent in anger, and what I said/did to reduce the fighting. It saved our lives.
.-= Susan Wisdom´s last blog ..Your Needs, the Kids’ Needs – What’s a Stepcouple to Do? =-.
I would love to see your twitter updates! toolboxgirl is my twitter handle!
Not taking it personal, not making things into a big story, but looking at ‘what is so’ in a detached way. Yes, I can see how that will make a difference.
It did this weekend when I moved my daughter and had to see how I could not say anything to help her with her struggle with her dad, my ex.
She shut me out as soon as she had to deal with his antics, as always I was not allowed to give any hints on how to handle him. Not taking this personal has saved the weekend. I just let it go and we went on with the move in harmony, rather than wasting energy on a fight or going off in different directions in a huff and a puff.
I definitely say “Yes!” to the challenge and am beginning Day 6 of my journal to not take things personally and to try to be more aware of the role my ego plays in my life. I am starting to see that most (if not all) of the SD/DH situations I encounter typically have nothing to do with me and everything to do with their feelings and issues. Recognizing this definitely requires a constant “Don’t take it personally” reminder from myself when something happens but it does make it a little easier to bear when I can separate myself from the equation (and note that I said “a little easier” b/c many of these situations are still extremely taxing!). I’m looking forward to looking back in 40 Days to see if this exercise has been helpful and to hearing about others’ progress and revelations!
.-= Dayle´s last blog ..Day 4 and 5 Reflections =-.
Dayle – I just read your blog posts – you are doing a fabulous job watching and observing. Wilma left you some great comments about the ego and how the ego thrives in battles – patience with yourself and keep observing and noticing how you feel!
xo
Peggy
Hi Peggy, I’m on day 3, wow, I take it personally a lot! I may have to take out the note pad as well as Twitter to see what this is all about.
(I can’t seem to find you on twitter)
.-= Lisa Bagshaw´s last blog .. =-.
Count me in. I don’t blog or twitter but will keep a journal for myself. I will try (so very hard) not to take what my husband says to me personally and what his children say/do personally. (I am a sensitive soul so this will be very hard for me to do. Please say a prayer or two for me!)
Ohio,
You’re in my prayers. I hope your journaling will help teach you not to take things so personally and realize a thing or two about the relationships around you.
xo
Peggy
Day 8, no shortage of things to take personally. This is such a crux of what is in our way of joy and happiness. I thought I would have a hard time coming up with somethiing in Twitter (@urbanstepmom) every day, but actually it is about trying to pick just one thing that I took personally that day. I think I will have to blog on the subject (www.urbanstepmom.com). Thanks for the challenge Peggy, I want to quit the exercise, but I think there is something very important to learn…
Lisa
.-= Lisa Bagshaw´s last blog ..Dining With Nine Year Olds =-.
Dear Lisa,
I am so glad you are sticking out the challenge! It does get tougher with each layer we peel away…but it’s so worth it in the end! Trust me, you’re gonna come out brighter, stronger, and more sane when you’re done (actually, never stop…you’ll know what I mean when you hit day 30!)
xo
Peggy
I just wanted to check in on Day 16 of the “Don’t take it personally” challenge. I have to say, this has been an incredibly challenging but worthwhile project so far. I am amazed at how many (if not most) of the things that upset me as a stepmom (from us always having to take my SD to her orthodontist appts to my DH letting his DD stay up late) really have almost zero to do with me. Just b/c I’m starting to understand this a little more isn’t necessarily making it that much easier but it definitely helps me to distance myself from the situation. I do think if someone could hear the thoughts inside my head when situations arise that frustrate, anger or upset me they would think I’m crazy b/c I’m constantly saying “don’ttakeitpersonallydon’ttakeitpersonallydon’ttakeitpersonallydon’ttakeitpersonallydon’ttakeitpersonallydon’ttakeitpersonallydon’ttakeitpersonallydon’ttakeitpersonallydon’ttakeitpersonally” over and over in my head like a maniac to calm myself down!
I
.-= Dayle´s last blog ..Day 15 and it all flies out the window! =-.
Dayle,
I am so proud of you! I read your recent blog post and CRAP – I can’t post a reply from this computer. I have to wait until I get home. But what I want to say to you is HOORAY for working through a trigger. Your ego is really trying to hold onto your old story – and it wants to because egos just love that kind of story from childhood. I say this because I’m pretty sure I’ve gotten to the root cause of one of my own issues and it stems from a time when I was eight years old. I’ll be writing about this very soon.
Don’t let your ego win the battle or the war.
Today’s a new day!
My first ah ha moment came on day 10! Wow, that was fast. I realized that whenever I am taking something personally, I am telling myself, he (husband or one of twin step sons)doesn’t love me. Now I thought that was old stuff, but Hello! its still there…
back to it!
.-= Lisa Bagshaw´s last blog ..40 Day Challenge- Don’t Quit =-.
Oh it is so exciting to see all this good stuff coming from this explanation on how NOT to take thing personal. In step families it is a MUST to understand this I would say. There is so much hurt and pain and confusion going on, arrows are aimed all over the place and why when one hit you, would you think it was actually aimed at you?
I also recommend Peggy’s radio shows, so much gold there too.
.-= Wilma Ham´s last blog ..Wilma on Stop the Interruptions! =-.
So, I just stumbled across this website in doing research on support books for stepmoms. AND, LO & BEHOLD…Don’t take it personally….on the main page? Yep – that’s what I do best. It doesn’t matter what it is, I feel like it is a personal attack against me. So, I may be late in starting this 40 day challenge but better late then never!
Hi Katrina,
The 40 day challenge is available for you to start anytime you want to! I hope you start today and check in with your progress!
Peggy
Peggy,
Thanks for posting my blog http://wordpress.cafesmom.com/
for my personal 40 day challenge. Originally, I started at 21 days (you know the time the experts say it takes to break a habit). But I’ve extended it to the full 40 days.
I have learned so much over the nearly 30 days of working hard to not take things personally. I have shared my joys and heartaches throughout. I believe that by living out loud we can share and grow together.
The job of a stepmom is challenging but it’s a role that I do cherish. One of the many things I have learned is that it would be ridiculous for me to think that at the end of 40 days I will never take another thing that my SD says personally. But what is realistic is that I can recognize triggers and choose how I will respond to her verbal attacks.
Can’t wait to share my learnings with everyone.
Hi Peggy, Day 25 and I had a breakthrough moment. I saw very clearly, not just intellectually that “this is not about me”. I felt compassion for him for his pain, but I did not own it. That realization gave me a lot of freedom and I did not get mired in “what’s wrong with me” and other negative self talk. It only happened once, but I think with practice and consciousness I could make a habit of it!
thank you
Dear Lisa,
HOORAY! See what happens when we stick to a practice of awareness and consciousness? I love when stuff like this happens and watching it happen to others is so fabulous! Here’s to many more breakthroughs!
xo
Peggy
ok peggy. I’ll give it a whirl. I’ll post it in a journal. and then report back to you. day one. IS TODAY.
came home to find my FATHER IN LAW *IN* my HOUSE.
YUP.
he let himself in with the key to get a computer my mil had asked my dh to bring to work. my dh forgot.
yes my dh forgot the computer. BUT THAT IS OUR HOUSE.
he didnt call first.
he didnt ask if it was ok.
didnt even have the grace to look embarassed for not doing the above.
just said “i didnt touch anything..just got the computer”…bye bye now.
NOT TAKING IT PERSONAL.
just going to go take a rather LARGE book, whack myself over the head with it..and take a nap.
BUT NOT taking it *personal*