Does His + Yours = Ours?
by Guest Blogger and Post Divorce Coach, Lee Block
Blended families, step families, mixed families, whatever you want to call them, can be joyous or difficult. Just take a look around at some of what you read on the internet. You have those families that turn out to be The Brady Bunch and those that turn out to be the Adam’s Family.
Make no mistake though, Carol and Mike worked hard to blend this family of three boys and three girls when the cameras were off. It wasn’t always hearts and flowers with the Brady Bunch. There was that time that Greg broke Marsha’s nose. Now there was some serious friction within a blended family.
And, we can’t forget about Eight is Enough. Poor Tom lost his wife and then married Abby. But, let’s be realistic here, who is crazy enough to marry a man with EIGHT children? Well, other than me? And oh, that Tommy was not happy having Abby as a step-mother. After all, she was his tutor and Tom marrying her was almost like he was marrying the nanny. Now, Abby had a hard time blending into this tight knit group. But, she persevered and eventually, they all lived happily ever after, at least according to the reunion shows.
But, reality is not television. There are no scripts, directors or wardrobe people when two families merge into one. And, yet you still have those that seamlessly mesh without even a ripple on the surface. How do they do it? What is their secret? Are their children better adjusted? Are they better adjusted?
From my own experience, it was a nightmare. Of course, I did marry a man with seven children, and had all the best intentions of a woman in her early 30’s who had never been a parent before. My goal was to win over the ex-wife and the kids with my wit, charm and love. It didn’t work out so well.
You see, no one told me about angry ex-wives and bitter children that were being alienated. No one warned me how hard it was to get to know children that were standoffish on a good day and barely civil on a bad one. No one helped me deal with an angry ex that would egg the children on in being disrespectful, laughing at their antics and saying, “You go, kids!”
And, yet I firmly kept those rose colored glasses on my face as my husband and I moved into the perfect house with as many rooms as Buckingham Palace and a yard as big as Central Park. Each child’s room decorated just the way they wanted with shiny new computers sitting at their desks and books on the shelves, clothes waiting for them in the closets and drawers. I took notes on what they liked to eat, when to pick them up from school, what time to wake them up in the mornings and what their favorite music was. I tried, until I realized it was them or me, and I loved me too much to lose myself to them.
By this time, I had my own children, and his kids loved our kids. Now, I was firmly locked out of my own children’s lives, because when his kids were there they swooped down, claws out and snatched my children away without even so much as a thank you very much. I withdrew. I became depressed. I stayed in my room most of the time, except to cook the meals and clean the mess. And then I finally left.
Don’t get me wrong, his children were not the reason for the demise of my marriage. They were just a byproduct of much bigger problems, but when you have problems already in your marriage and you throw in step children that don’t like you, it does not help your marriage, but makes it that much more difficult.
Those women and men that trudge through the shit that is thrown on them and at them from their spouse’s children, I salute you. Those women and men that make it to the other side, while dancing over hot coals, you have my utmost respect. And, I once again, ask the same questions. How do they do it? What is their secret? Are their children better adjusted? Are they better adjusted?
His plus yours does not always equal ours and life is not a sitcom. But, when it does, I have seen the amazing and beautiful families that have melded together. And, as a good friend said, these are bonus families. And, as we know nothing is better than getting a bonus at the end of the day.
I often think of these step children that are my children’s half brothers and sisters. I now realize that it isn’t just me, because they have treated his new wife just as poorly, and I still want to know the answers to these questions… How do they do it? What is their secret? Are their children better adjusted? Are they better adjusted?
Lee Block is a Post-Divorce Coach and author of The Post-Divorce Chronicles. She is also the founder and CEO of Post-Divorce Dating Club. You can find her writing at http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lee-block, Divorced Women Online and Your Tango. She is currently working on several books while raising her two kids and part time husband in Houston, Texas. You can follow her on Twitter @PostDvorceCoach or fan her page on Facebook.
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