Dealing With A Difficult Mom (or Stepmom)

Mar 13, 2011 by Peggy Nolan

I hope you enjoy this article by Krista Francis as much as I did! Don’t forget, I’ll be interviewing Donna Ferber on Tuesday, March 15th at 9AM EST!

Dealing With A Difficult Mom (or Stepmom)

My ex has had three partners since we parted ways almost sixteen years ago. The first (whom I’ll call Hanna) was the stereotypical, unreasonable bitch we all hear about in stepmom and co-parenting circles. She was insanely jealous. To avoid upsetting her, my ex firmly instructed me never to call their home under any circumstances, unless our child was in the hospital. Later I was told Hanna once grabbed my ex’s phone and threw it out of their moving vehicle because she thought another woman was on the line. Periodically, she would go into rages, once taking a sledge hammer to my son’s playhouse and another time throwing his bike down the stairs. She would cook for her teenager and let my toddler go unfed. And those are just the things I’m aware of; I shudder to think of all the stories I wasn’t told.

Obviously, there was no way to have any dialogue with this woman because she wouldn’t acknowledge me or speak to me, much less carry out a rationale and constructive conversation. My ex wasn’t much help either, so out of desperation, I approached my mother-in-law, whom I was not especially close to but (as it turned out) shared my feelings of alarm. We sat my ex down. My mother-in-law laid down the law. She declared that her grandson would no longer go to my ex’s house and all visits would occur at my in-laws. Fortunately, my ex complied. It wasn’t long before Hanna was history, but all these years later, my son still occasionally mentions how mean she was.

Incidentally, the two women since Hanna have been awesome and I am delighted to have both of them in my son’s life.

I tell you this story for two reasons:

1. to show I understand just how crazy these situations can get, how unreasonable people can be, and how daunting situations can feel;
2. to encourage you to continue to try different things and be both creative and assertive while continually looking for new solutions.

Here are some thoughts concerning trying to manage a hostile mom:

1. Establish boundaries. In an ideal world, relationships develop slowly over time as people get to know and trust each other. In step-family situations, it’s different. We’re thrown right into the middle and things have the potential to become muddy quickly. But we can still be mindful of the natural progression of relationships from acquaintance to something more intimate; and we can resist becoming too involved too quickly. In the beginning, I would be polite and professional to the biomom but not jump into things like providing childcare for either parent, disciplining their child, planning birthday parties or plotting out vacation schedules with the mom. Let the parents take care of these activities *and* the communication surrounding them. Over time,  increase your role as you and your partner feel comfortable and as you develop your own relationship with the ex.

If you’re already several years into the marriage, it’s not too late to back off and protect yourself if things aren’t going well. For example, I’ve heard several stepmoms complain that the biomom harasses them by text. If the relationship is at all conflictual, I’d suggest: don’t text. Texting is probably too casual for the stage of your relationship; and because of the quick, impulsive nature of this communication mode,  it’s too easy to get into trouble.

2. Set limits. You should not be abused by either your stepchildren or their other parent. If you drop off the kids at her house and she uses the exchange as a opportunity to verbally attack you, maybe you stop providing transportation. Yes, I know it’s not that “easy.” But on another level it is. You can make the decision not to put yourself in certain situations, especially when you do favors (often at some inconvenience or sacrifice) and receive abuse as your only thanks.

3. Involve DH/partner. So often I hear horror stories about the mom-stepmom relationship and there is absolutely no mention of the husband or partner.

Where is he? Involve him!

Your partner should run interference and protect you  (as much as is possible) from her wrath or her invasions of your boundaries. For example, years ago when biomom picked up her son from her house, she asked about a missing jacket. When we said we hadn’t seen it, she started going through our home searching for it, even venturing into our laundry room to look though our basket of dirty clothes–while my husband did nothing. Steam was coming from my ears! I reached for the laundry basket and said, “Please don’t do that, I’ll look for it” as matter-of-factly and pleasantly as was possible through my clenched teeth. But I didn’t ‘get into it’ with her. After she left, I talked to my husband and explained that his ex rummaging through my house felt very invasive. I told him I needed him to intervene in any similar situations in the future.

Years later, my relationship with biomom has progressed to a point that maybe, just maybe, I might address such an issue with her. But even after almost a decade, I probably wouldn’t attempt it in the moment, on the fly. I would wait until I’d calmed down and I had time to process the event and carefully plan my conversation. I’d caution you not to try to broach or resolve conflict with the mom before a foundational relationship exists. Take the long view and exercise lots of patience.

4. Empathize. Yes, I know it’s hard and it’s painful, but it can transform your reality if you can get to the point that you empathetically see things from her point of view. I challenge you to try imagining or journaling her story as she might tell it, in her voice, starting with the hopes and dreams she had for her marriage, the pain and disillusionment of the divorce, the difficulties (financial and otherwise) that followed, the string of ditzy girlfriends that came and went between Marriages I and II, the pain she feels being apart from her child, her feelings of insecurity when Wife 2.0 (that’s you!) turned out to be so fabulous and dazzlingly beautiful.

5. Seek help. Being a stepmom is incredibly difficult. It may help to secure expert assistance, whether on a short-term, long-term or intermittent basis. Find a counselor who specializes in or at least has a deep appreciation for and understanding of the dynamics and issues of remarriage. A therapist can help you sift through what is healthy/unhealthy, typical/not typical, normal/not normal. He or she can assist in figuring out what is your issue, her issue, or hubby’s issue. He or she can help you role play situations, anticipate and avoid trouble spots, fine-tune your communication and negotiation skills.

Additionally, couples counseling can help you cope with the very real and heavy demands that come with re-marriage.

Thoughts/Comments? After almost sixteen years of co-parenting and ten years of being a stepmom, my stepfamily reality is far from perfect. I don’t begin to claim I’ve got this all figured out but I want very much to help other stepmoms, especially ones new to this game. I hope some of these ideas are useful. And of course I’m always open to hearing your comments and ideas: let me know what approaches or strategies have been most useful and constructive in crafting a strong marriage, a bonded/blended family, a working professional relationship with the other mom.

Krista Francis blogs about co-parenting at My Step Life and human resources at aliveHR. She’s been co-parenting with the ex for fifteen+years, has been a stepmom for ten, has a Bachelor’s degree in social work, and has eagerly devoured dozens of books on stepparenting, co-parenting, communication, conflict management and mediation. Her job in human resources has also led to some useful experience and further training in human relations and conflict.

---

Please join us in our private online forum!

Join the forum discussion on this post