Conflict and Anger
What Conflict are you participating in today? Would it be ok if you stopped participating? What would your life look like if you did?
What makes you the most angry? Uncover this and you will find the source of your pain.
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What makes me angriest? Being completely ignored by my stepchildren in MY.OWN.HOUSE. and the fact that my husband does very little to prevent such behavior. What lies underneath – my feelings are incredibly hurt. I am generally liked by most people and struggle to live with people who won’t accept me into their lives.
Good morning Ohio! Have you talke to your husband about this? Have you held some kind of family meeting? How old are your stepkids again?
I grew up a stepkid and can tell you how hard divorce is on children. Parents who divorce are still responsible for raising responsible, realiable, respectful children – and help their kiddos deal with the divorce.
As stepmoms, we have a great opporunity to help our stepkids learn emotional intelligence and learn that they are still loved, not just by their parents, but by their stepparents, too.
Most of us are generally liked by most people – however, as women we fall into the trap of wanting to get everyone to like us. Truth is, not everyone does. And then we spend endless cycles of time and energy trying to get them to like us instead of focusing on the people that do like us…love us even. Love yourself first and become the love you want in your family.
Big hugs,
Peggy
What made me most angry was when I learned from my stepson’s mother that my husband had been trying, on multiple occasions throughout our relationship and marriage, to sleep with her. I wasn’t just angry at the fact that she proudly threw it in my face on a public blog but more so at HIM for embarressing me considering I took care of him and his son (and his son is no angel) while Miss Perfect went to school and lived across the nation with her fiance. This, of course, led to major resentment towards all of them.
Peggy,
Thank you for the response. I have told my husband how I feel and he still does nothing. Because they (the steps) don’t leave,(ever) and the stress in the house is palpable, I leave. I work a second job just to get out. I also schedule other activities on the weeks we have his kids (sd is 14 and ss is 13). Life at my house is incredibly stressful. My girls are at College, so aren’t home much. When they are, they leave too. They find the entire situation odd.
There is much more going on — too much to go into. All I can say is life with my stepchildren is very strange.
Thank you for listening.
PS: I would like nothing more than to help and contribute to the well-being of my steps, but you can’t give what others won’t accept.
Julie – what an awful situation. I hope you are taking care of you!
Ohio – that to me would be an unacceptable way to live. When DH and I introduced three of his four to my two, we hoped for polite civility. We didn’t expect them to be best buds, cosmic twins, or friends lost in translation. But we did expect them to treat each other with respect – and we did expect his kids to treat me with respect and my kids to treat DH with respect. We got more than we expected – one of those nice surprises.
But if his kids treated me the way yours do and if he didn’t help solve the situation, that would be unbearable for me. I would have one of those coming to Jesus meetings at the kitchen table where everyone gets a chance to unload their crap, we all sort through it, and reach agreements on how we’re going forward treating each other.
Ohio – I get the impression that you have not really spoken up for yourself…that you’ve stifled the issues you have and their boiling up (please correct me if I’m wrong)…and that you and your husband are not operating your remarried family from the same book.
I strongly recommend getting hold of a copy of “The Smart Stepmom” by Laura Petherbridge and Ron L. Deal and the latest hot book out there, “The Remarried Couple Checkup” by David Olson and Ron L. Deal for you and your husband – this book is the culmination of 5 years of research on 500,000 remarried couples. It’s eye-opening, illuminiating, and thank God for Olson and Deal for getting this book out there!
Thank you for the suggested reading. I am going to visit the library and present them to my husband to read as well.
I only know I live with a lot of resentment and anger and honestly, this is NOT who I am. I find I am never the best version of myself because of my home situation.
You are a dear. I can’t thank you enough for listening. I am the only stepmom within my group of friends and in my family, so your understanding is much appreciated.
Yes, I see a “come to Jesus” meeting in my near future.
Thank you!
I hate that despite my partner talking about how important it is to say no to her, the Child always seems to be right and I am always wrong.
Hi Peggy, does not reading the emails or listening to the voicemails that bio-mom sent me after I emailed a simple “thank you” to one of the kid’s tutors count as not participating???
Ohio, I can tell you that if my man didn’t stick up for me and make me and my needs a priority I could never handle the “step” situation. It sounds like you need to have a real heart-to-heart with him and make him understand the enormity of the conflict and how you feel about it. No one will take better care of you than you. You shouldn’t have to leave your own house to find peace. Please take care of yourself! Good luck
-Jenna
Hi Jenna – Not responding, not reading the emails or listening to the voicemails does count as not participating! Good for you for pressing the disregard button when it comes to an unhappy or toxic person!
It’s weird to read this today. I can not SHAKE the anger of bio-mom hooking up with the guy she was “seeing as friends” before her and Jason split. He is a good 20yrs older than her. Jason said he has been at the house EVERY time he drops the kids off. This older man with grown children is in a house with a 5 and 3 yr old. Has he been background checked? I questions his character and morals. 1. Seeing a woman that was married. 2. Liking “young” women.
I realize this is not my issue and I need to STOP PARTICIPATING. But I worry for the children’s safety.
What makes me angriest? The unnecessary pain the kids have been through simply to make happy a miserable, jealous, petty person. Using the kids to please herself is bad enough. Being supported in her malicious acts by a woefully inadquate and money-driven “family” court system is unbearable to me. How can any person accept any amount of money to deliberately hurt children just to make their mother happy that she won this round? It’s disgusting.
What lies beneath: wanting to protect the kids, being able to see how all of this will affect them later in life, holding them when they cry, realizing there is little I can do when a system pretending to protect them really doesn’t care at all about them.
I am so sorry you and your family are hurting right now. You are doing more than you know – because you are there for the kids. Unfortunately, I have a birth mother (who I rarely talk about) who learned to play the system early on. My father went through a lot to win custody of me and my three brothers in 1971.