Choices
“Just when we most want to let go, to give up, to quit, we find ourselves in the struggle of our lives, trying to survive, trying to go on. Why? Because going on is what life is all about. But do we go on full of ourselves, or live wounded and dour for the rest of our lives? One way is depression, the other way is a new life. One way is defeat. The other way is hope.” ~ Joan D. Chittester, “Scarred By Struggle, Transformed By Hope
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As stepmoms we have a choice. When we find ourselves eyeball deep in struggling with our remarried life we can quit and leave the marriage. Or we can fight to keep it going, to survive what comes our way. And if we choose to keep on keeping on, we have another choice. Our frame of mind, our attitude is a CHOICE. We can sink to the depths of despair and become a victim or we can rise above the crap which comes with remarried life and live joyously and with hope.
What’s your choice?
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Love this, I choose to stay and fight and have been working on my attitude. You are right it is completely our choice and we have more control then we realize. Living a happy loving life is so much more fulfilling and enjoyable. No one wants to spend the rest of their life throwing a pity party for themselves.
Thank you for this!! It came just at the right time. Usually I can find balance in this whirlwind of smotherhood…. but our bm has been on a rampage for the last 6 days and besides praying for her and for us I’ve been unable to see the light past all these clouds in our sky. Today I feel like I’m finally emerging and this post spoke to me – THANK YOU!! You are an inspiration.
Dear Liz,
Thank you for stopping by the Toolbox today! I am so glad this post spoke to you. You might be interested in Joan Chittister’s book, “Scarred by Struggle, Transformed by Hope.” It’s a FABULOUS book and a great resource to have in your own Stepmom Toolbox!
Hi Life!
I am so glad to see you here today! What a choice you’ve made to live a happy, loving life! Bravo and well done!
Peggy,
I LOVE this. Thank you for the reminder that our frame of mind and attitude are a choice. This could not have come at a better a time. Just this morning I was faced with a smom challange in which I had a choice…that choice being to raise above it. THANK YOU.
Thanks for this reminder – I need it. It is so easy to feel like a victim and the truth is hubby never lied to me I knew he had kids and I choose to “give it a try”…. so I am still going and still trying….
I read this at a very opportune time as I am very frustrated with a few things these days. Thanks for the words of encouragement. They mean a lot to me.
Oh, realizing that we have a choice is so good. It really allows me to get above the mud, because if I get dragged into it what chance do I have to not make things worse with my own inability to see clearly. Now I get some mud on my clothes and face but at least I am not totaly covered in it and I am able to wipe it off.
This is a lovely reminder. I have found that when I have a positive and loving attitude, it can’t help but spill into the lives of those around me. I must admit, I have to remind myself to stay positive and some days I am better than others. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and experience. It is so nice to know I am not alone.
Oh Peggy, it’s so funny (and not I know this, I’m meand to read it) that you posted this about choice. Lately the thoughts in my head have been, you know I’m not a step mom “yet”. I have a choice in this. I can walk away now, no harm , no foul. I wouldn’t have to deal with all the “stuff” that comes along with step parenting. I can’t help but be tempted. Yes I would lose the love of my life, but gain a life I know I could handle with way less stress.
I realize these thoughts are completely normal. Stay and fight, or tuck tail and run?
Jason’s ex is talking on her blog about hiring a babysitter. She’d rather hire someone than let Jason their Dad keep them for free. Something that the girls would love since they rarely see him and only overnight every other weekend.(never during the week)
Stuff like this saddens me, I think “Why not walk away? Why deal with this heartache the rest of my life?”
The flip side, I know, is the undiluted joys. Some days it’s just harder to grasp that concept than others.
Thank you for this post. Really needed it.
Hi Carol – sometimes the best medicine is encouragement. I’m glad I could encourage you today!
Hi Wilma ~ so many of us get stuck thinking we don’t have a choice…but we do! We always do. Even if the choice is between a victim attitude or a Rosie the Riveter attitude. The choice is always ours to make! (Even if we get a little muddy making it!!)
Hello Ohio! (I suddenly feel like Chrissy Hines!) You are HUMAN…we falter…we have bad hair days…or if you’re like me, you suffer from time to time with the not quite deadly disease called “HoofNMouth” You are not alone!
(((Angelia))) – I get the turmoil you see that’s caused by a bio-mom’s actions. She’s angry, bitter, and mostly likely very fearful. In the early days when I often upset by the actions or inactions of Junior’s mom, my husband would remind me how he was able to keep things in perspective. He thought of her as a lost child with a lot of hurt inside. Not too long ago Laura Petherbridge said, “People who hurt, hurt others.” (And that helped me gain some perspective regarding my ex-husband!)
I could understand that if she was the one who was jilted. But she jilted him. She is seeing the man, she was hanging out with “as friends” for over two years now (includes the last year of their marriage). He is her “insignificant other aka boyfriend” in her terms. Jason actually did counseling with her and when she quit going, he went by himself to try and salvage it.
But there was nothing he could do, she had just flat out decided she liked someone else. The roving eye. I get that too, the reason why my marriage #1 failed. I had the roving eye.
In my opinion, everything she does has no basis. SHE wanted the divorce. I guess that is why I am having a hard time. It just doesn’t make sense. No one stands up to her and says STOP.
Wringing my hands here. Bless you Peggy for the hug, I needed that too.
Ang – I’ve got this little mind trick that I learned from Kung Fu Panda. I’m a peach tree, she’s a pear tree. Neither right nor wrong, just different. Wildly different. I’ve had so many moments where I’ve thought “what on earth?” or “I could never do that.” And then I let go of my need to understand Richard’s Ex. I don’t need to. I don’t want to. I chose to let go of it because holding onto it was making me quietly hostile. And that just wasn’t a good place for me to be.
Somewhere in a long ago post, I wrote about “The Opportuntity to Relinquish Hostility.” I’ll go find it and send you the link.
xxoo
One of the most important choices I make (yes, that’s intended to be in the present tense) is to disengage. Whether it’s passing information on to my husband and allowing him to act (or not act) on it as he sees fit or just maintaining a more relaxed, distanced perspective, disengagement has benefitted our entire family. My husband has a chance to make those parenting decisions that he is rightfully responsible for, I can reject responsibility that makes me uncomfortable, and my bonus daughter enjoys a more calm, relaxed bonus mom. However, disengagement remains a choice I must continue to make on each issue that presents itself, and it is rarely simple.
Choosing to reject hostility and work towards normalizing the relationship with BioMom is on the agenda, too, but fortunately, we don’t see much of her (by mutual decision these days, I think). We have a long way to go.
Knowing that you have a choice is incredibly empowering. Every second of our lives is made up of one choice after another. At the same time, we have to be able to let go of the results of our choices sometimes too and have faith that things will work out. Leap and the net will appear. Have a great weekend! – G
Hi Lauren! Congratulations on actively choosing a positive form of disengagement. I, too, chose this path with Junior…and Richard is custodial. Once I found the balance that works for us, it really has helped me and Junior.
I wish you the best in normalizing the relationship with bioMom – it can happen and it does work. Just leave the light on
Hi Georgina! “Leap and the net will appear…” LOVE IT! So often has that net appeared in my life