Changing the Evil Stepmother Myth
Integrity. Commitment to Excellence. Stubbornly Optimistic.
Our minds, our attitudes can change everything ~ Daisuku Ikeda
As a culture and as a society we have been programmed for hundreds of years to believe that Stepmothers are dark, nasty, evil women. (Wednesday Martin has done a phenomenal job researching and writing about the Stepmother Myth so I don’t have to reinvent the wheel here. If you haven’t read Stepmonster
The operative word is PROGRAMMED. The Wicked Evil Stepmother Myth has been programmed into our collective pysche and into our own subconscious mind.
Each night before bed, I’ve been reading my way through Dr. Bruce Lipton’s The Biology of Belief: Unleashing the Power of Consciousness, Matter, & Miracles
Lipton writes,
“The brain’s ability to learn perceptions is so advanced that we can acquire perceptions indirectly through teachers. Once we accept the perceptions of others as *truths* their perceptions become hardwired into our brains, becoming our *truths*. What if your teacher’s perceptions are inaccurate? Programmed misconceptions in our subconscious mind are not “monitored” and will habitually engage us in inappropriate and limiting beliefs.”
Applying this to the programmed Wicked Evil Stepmother Myth:
- The Wicked Evil Stepmother Myth is programmed into our subconscious mind.
- We’ve acquired most of the Wicked Evil Stepmother perception from teachers (parents, other adults, media, Disney, Fairytales, etc).
- We’ve accepted their perceptions as truth and now those acquired perceptions are hardwired in our brains, which are now our truths.
- The perception of the Wicked Evil Stepmother is inaccurate.
- This programmed misconception, which resides in our subconscious mind and is not monitored, is habitually engaging us in inappropriate and limiting behaviors.
Just like not all stepmoms are wicked and evil, not all bio-moms are crazy, self-absorbed, wing-nuts. Think about it, if you believe the bio-mom in your life is engaged in inappropriate and limiting belief behaviors – so are you. And so am I.
If the mom and stepmom are both engaged in inappropriate and limiting belief behaviors, what’s the answer?
My own answer: Mind Your Mind
Until last night, “mind your mind” was something that I sort of “got.” I know that my thoughts become things – and if I’m thinking crap then I’m manifesting crap in my life. And then I read this from Dr. Lipton:
“The Self-Conscious Mind is extremely powerful. It observes any programmed behavior we are engaged in, it evaluates the behavior, and it can consciously decide to change the program. We can actively CHOOSE how to respond to most environment signals and whether we want to respond at all. The conscious mind’s capacity to override the subconscious mind’s pre-prgrammed behaviors is the foundation of FREE WILL.”
That just blows me away.
Applying this to the programmed beliefs we have:
- Your self-conscious is very powerful
- You have the ability to observe any programmed behavior you are engaged in
- You can assess and evaluate your programmed behavior
- You can consciously decide to CHANGE THE PROGRAM
If the ex-wife does something to make your eyes cross, YOU can actively choose how to respond to her signal and whether you want to respond at all! You can over-ride your subconscious mind’s pre-prgrammed behaviors.
How awesome is that?
Since the Ex-Wife is apt to see you as the pre-programmed Wicked Evil Stepmother she also has the ability to over-ride her programming at any time.
I believe it’s time to make a new tape, a new myth for the collective pysche. What do you think?
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Great post Peggy. I’ve been reading about these types of belief patterns that we have about ourselves for about 2 years now (and it took me just as long to finally get it). It takes practice to interrupt our negative internal scripts, but once we do, the results appear pretty quickly and it seems like somehow things turn themselves around. This is so relevant to me right now, and I feel so much better since I made a conscious decision to rethink my relationship with my SS. Thanks for this! Have an awesome, awesome Friday!
Wow that blows me away. You hear and read these things but to actually put it into motion is a different thing. I am going to try and change my program so to speak and really start to focus on controlling my perceptions and behaviors. Love this post.
Thank you so much!
I love this post Peggy! It’s so hard to admit, sometimes, that we do have the power to change things (especially after years of watching from the sidelines).
Thanks!!!
Georgina – thanks for stopping by today! It does take practice to break the cycle of habitual negative thought patterns and when we do, it’s so life empowering!
Life – I love your energy this morning! You can change your programming anytime you want to – it’s easier said then done, but once you committ to the change, your life changes for the better!
EWO –
We do have the power! (Suddenly I feel like He-Man waving his claymore in the air!)
It’s true that you do need to change the way you think, as we all grew up with the negative programming. I was fortunate though, as my parents were very mature in the way that they handled things. There was never a harsh word uttered in our presence about the other parent after their divorce, or even after they both remarried. They truly cared about our well being. My parents (all four) ended up being great friends and family to each other. I could truly say that I was blessed.
Great truth to what you say. I’ve been practicing this for quite a few years now and have seen a tremendous difference in my life. The challenge is knowing how much this sort of practice could change someone (ex-wife, maybe??) for the better but knowing they’re not self-aware to ever seek out that sort of help. When those thoughts creep into my mind I remind myself I only have control over me and that the only reason I CAN put up with her is because I keep reading these self-help books and have found a place of inner peace. Let’s keep on educating ourselves so we can be at peace no matter what situation we’re faced with
Marjorie – I applaud your parents for being able to keep the main thing the main thing!
Jenna – I LOVE your attitude! I am so glad you have found a place of inner peace – it truly does make a HUGE difference when it comes to being a Stepmom!
Peggy, I just want to SQUEEZE you!!!! This is brilliant and I agree whole-heartedly. The way I see it, it’s all about *layers.* There’s the superficial story that we have, with facts we choose to emphasize and repeat (to ourselves and others), creating an arbitrary version of reality. “The stepmom is impossible. The ex-wife is insane. The kids are deliberate brats. Etc., etc.” At first, it feels like you’re giving something up to give up your story, but once you start peeling back the layers to look beneath, you start to see that everything is a lot more neutral than you thought! There’s the programming and then there’s just what… IS.
If that’s the case, you have a lot more power to shape your reality than you realize. The stepmoms aren’t uniformly impossible. The ex-wives aren’t all insane. We ALL revert to difficult behavior when we feel threatened and afraid, but tend to whitewash our own negative behavior.
So what else is possible if the programming isn’t true and we have been believing a bunch of lies and stories?!
Jennifer – thanks so much for the squeeze! I can feel the love all the way from Texas! xxoo
Peggy -
This is fabulous. One step at a time. I think with every positive change in thinking and reacting deserves a pat on the back to say nothing of the feel good inside.
Thanks for the inspiration.
It’s about time our society opens their narrow-minded view of stepmothers, and I found this site refreshing. I have become frustrated with comments that slaughter women who should be commended for their efforts in raising someone else’s children…these women should supposedly “deal with it” and accept a second-place role in the lives of their significant others while being expected to compromise their own well-being “for the sake of the kids”…I’ve even read about stepmoms who are denied their own bio children because they aren’t mothering their stepchildren enough, therefore, according to the dad, they aren’t fit to be mothers. Broken families are becoming more and more common, so it’s due time to give these women the respect they deserve!
Hi Kat!
Thanks so much for visting the Stepmoms Toolbox! Your energy is so very welcome here! I’m happy you found this site refreshing and I wholeheartedly agree that our society needs to open up our collective narrow mindedness about stepmoms! The way I see it is “step” is nothing more than an adjective that modifies the noun, “mom!”
Peggy
I’ll be one of the first to admit that most stepmother’s are not “evil” or unkind. But make no mistake, there are way far too many stepmothers that do not fall into the nice or “ok” stepmom catagory. Bravo to you if you want to help women who are to become stepmothers know that may not automatically be seen as evil buy the children of the man they are about marry, and that is very commendable. But how those children react to her is going to depend very very deeply on how she herself interracts with those children and many times the father may make demands their own children on how they are expected to treat their “new mother”, which in itself can make things more difficult between the children and the stepmother to be. As we all know the story of evil stepmothers has been around for thousands of years…it’s even in the Christian Hebrew Scriptures of the Bible showing a lot of second (or 3rd +) wives as being down-right cruel to any of the other woman(s) off-spring. We humans are very jealous creatures. Our human emotions come naturaly and have never changed. When a woman has fallen in love with a man, she naturally wants his attention. Likewise if that man she’s fallen in love with is a father with children she will still want his attention and it will be far more than what she wants from his children of his first wife (or love interest). Also, if this stepmother has her own child, you’d be a fool to think she’s be capable of loving her husband’s first wife’s children more than her own. Now, This evil stepmother story could most certainly be programed in a some ignorant people’s minds. But, there is a reason why this evil stepmother story NEVER dies out, and you just wait, it NEVER will. We are all only human.