In the unique family dynamic that I find myself in, it is important to have boundaries. Mine aren’t brick walls, electric fences, or steel baricades. But they are there, they do exist.
In my own experience, where Richard’s ex-wife and I get along, cooperate, have gone out for drinks, shopped for grand baby clothes together, celebrated Christmas together, an outsider would ask, “so…tell me, where’s your boundary?”
My boundary is around my marriage. A sacred covenant that my husband and I entered into before God, our families, and our friends. Second to God, our marriage is the number one most important thing in our lives. We both failed with our respective first marriages and neither of us, after finding each other again, want to see a repeat.
Recently, his ex-wife crossed our marriage boundary by assuming that she could stay with us on our vacation in Florida. A misunderstood converastion that took place last Saturday resulted in an incorrect assumption and a back door attempt to stay with us. After discussing the situation and running different scenarios in my head with her under the same roof, I came to my own personal truth. I had to politely tell her “No.”
No one esle could tell her this. Not my husband, not her sister, not her children. It had to be me. I struggled with doing the right thing because her kids are staying with us and they are her kids. Her sister is staying with us and she is her sister. But the difference is she is Richard’s EX-WIFE.
Seriously. What if I wanted to have sex with my husband and she’s twenty feet down the hallway? That has AWKWARD written all over it. In fact, if she did stay with us I can count how many times Richard and I would have sex while on vacation…ZERO.
Or what if Richard made me coffee and she drank out of the same pot of coffee he made for me? It doesn’t matter that five other people might drink out of that same pot: no one but his ex-wife is his ex-wife.
Richard and I discussed our strategy and how we would deal with this together. I can’t stress how important his sponsorhip and support of my feelings and my decision to politely say “no.” He understood. He agreed. And he backed me up.
When I broke the news to her over the phone, she hung up on me. She called my husband to yell at him and hung up on him. She yelled at my stepdaughters. She really caused a big commotion. And all I said to her was “You are more than welcome to hang out with us during the day, from breakfast til midnight, but can you stay at your dad’s?”
Through the drama and chaos I have remained mostly calm. I’ve had a few eye crossing moments, where my ego wants to squash a bug with a bazooka, but my Inner Knower has turned down the volume on my ego. Richard has helped tremendously by simply reminding me “we don’t have to respond immediately.” Press Pause.
I can speak my truth and remain true to myself, honor my boundaries, my marriage and my feelings while remaining compassionate towards Richard’s ex-wife. Hurt feelings are inevetiable, but suffering is optional. Pain from her past reared its ugly head – I am sad that she took that out on Richard and my stepdaughters. I hope that she will apologize to them but do I expect her to? Not really. (But there’s always hope)
While she has come around to “completely understanding” how I feel, she is blaming my husband and her sister for putting “us in this position” when it is she who misunderstood a conversation and incorrectly assumed that she could stay with us.
As I navigate the murky waters of the relationship I have with Richard’s ex-wife, I have learned something very important. It’s ok to say “no.” It’s ok to have boundaries. I said “no” and I’m perfectly ok with it. The earth is still spinning, the sun still rose, and it’s still winter in New England.
All’s right in my little world.
[...] Nolan I think I sometimes people mistake my openess and heart centeredness as a having a lack of boundaries. I do have them. And when you cross it, I will gently and politely tell you [...]
This is a great example of how to put things in perspective and learn from different situations that arise. It shows great strength on your part to remain calm.
It’s funny that no matter how close we are to a person. Things can unravel rapidly with miscommunication and unchecked egos.
I *do* hope it all turns out. I really admire the relationship you have with her and it took great guts to stand firm in your boundary.
Hi Peggy! OOOooo I see I should have been on THIS blog! haha! I was a step-mom in my 2nd marriage – yeah, I’ve got a track record! Not an easy line to walk sometimes. I had two step-children – sticky wicket. This was MANY years ago, but ah the memories linger, haha! I think you handled the situation with gracious class!
hugs
susan
I think this is possibly the hardest challenge of stepparenting.
Well done! I hope to be able to say “no” as gracefully and effectively as you, one day!
whoa. Sounds waaaay too polly anna to me. I can’t believe you can go out to drinks, shopping? What are you a saint? Doesn’t look like this is the site for me. Good Luck with that!
I think it is completly outrageous that she wanted to stay with you. Ick. Well done for speaking your mind. I’ve given you an award over on my Chez Aspie blog.
I’m far from a saint and nowhere close to being Polly Anna. The relationship is rare but so is the extended family dynamic.
It’s not easy saying no gracefully – but it is worth it – for your own peace of mind
Thank you SuZen!
Thanks DJ!
Being clear AND pause to gather your wits with Richard is the way to go.
Knowing what you want is the first step to setting boundaries and not finding that out has been on of my many mistakes. I thought that what I wanted was not important but oh boy, it is.
AND talking it over is soo important as well, it helps me to validate that what I want IS important and we can be an united front which of course is also extremely necessary in situation like this.
Oh Peggy, you have done so well, xox Wilma
I can’t imagine! I admire you in so many ways. Congratulations on staying true to yourself and for saying no. And I think it is awesome of Richard to be so supportive. I enjoy your posts and you have helped me with my own issues. Keep it up!
You are welcome Jonique! Richard’s sponsorship and support is so key to my success as a stepmom and dealing with his ex-wife when we’re navigating unchartered territory. I hope my experiences help others!
Hi Wilma,
I used to think that what I wanted was secondary, too. So much stuff I used to swallow in my past life! Not anymore. Life’s too short to not be clear on what you want. Pausing long enough to listen is what makes the difference in how we express our needs. God IS in the details and for me, as long as I can express my needs, my feelings, my boundaries from a place of heart centeredness, then things turn out ok. No angst. No sleepless nights. No ruminating. No obsessive thinking.
Wow,what a story and what an experience The research supports you here Peggy: when these relationships are very close it will frequently reach a point where things are confusing and awkward for everyone including the kids and the couple. I completely endorse and agree with your position: Have. Healthy. Boundaries. Anything less is unhealthy. And don’t get taken hostage by the new cultural expectation that everyone has to be best friends post divorce. Puh-leeeezeee! That’s not realistic. In her book The Good Divorce, Constance Ahrons talks about how post-divorce there must be “good bridges and good fences.” I think way too many of us have bought into bridges, bridges, bridges and I’m glad to read about your good fences!
-wednesday
Wednesday Martin, Ph.D.
author, Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do
http://www.wednesdaymartin.com
Wow…I love the thought of listening to my Inner Knower! I think I am still in a stage where half the time I want the X’s approval and the other half I don’t care…I can’t wait till I can get to the place where I really, truly focus on me, my hubby, the kids and what is important to our family…no more second guessing her motives…life is too short!
Trust me hon, you don’t need her approval. You are awesome just as you are! Life is too short to second guess her motives!
Hi Wednesday – thank you so much for stopping by today! Health Boundaries are so important! And it amazes me how she thought this one through…or didn’t…she lives in her own painful past that has nothing to do with me and I won’t buy into it.
My fences are very important to me
xxoo
Holy. Hell. My boyfriend’s ex wife barely speaks to him- but she’s friends with everyone in his family. and i mean everyone. So to even think that she’d be friends with me is crazy. On some levels I wish they could be friends- it would be easier on their kids and on other levels I’m glad they’re not because for whatever strange reason I feel like I have to compete with her sometimes. I would never even think of trying to do what she was doing however. Strange. good for you for standing up to her.
Hi Jenny!
Having a good working relationship with your boyfriend’s ex really does benefit the kids. But sometimes, most times, it’s just not feasible because someone’s being unreasonable. Sometimes it’s the stepmom being unreasonable, sometimes it’s the ex-wife being unreasonable…and sometimes, it’s both the stepmom and the mom being unreasonable.
At some point, when there is a foundation of trust, safety and security in your relationship with your boyfriend, that need you feel to compete with his ex will evaporate.
Thanks for being here!
Peggy