Between Two Extremes
The other day I was reading Wednesday Martin’s article Presumed Guilty and after trading emails with her I realized that I’m living between two extremes.
The Left Side of My Life
My first marriage ended because I was married to a serial cheater who was diagnosed with Narcisstic Personality Disorder towards the tail end of our 19 year marriage. My first husband had his first known affair right after I graduated from college with my bachelor’s degree and he had his second known (and last) affair shortly after I received my master’s degree. Did I contribute to the end of our marriage – absolutely – but not in some devastating, manipulating, snarky way. As my exhusband and I began the dance to disentangle our lives, he told me that he needed “to be with someone less powerful.”
The woman he married two years later is the woman he had his last affair with while we were married. She is my daughters’ stepmom. After I got over myself and my angry stage, I gave my daughters the space they needed to carve out whatever relathionship they chose to have with both their dad and stepmom. My daughters’ stepmom is every other stepmom’s nightmare. She’s the image we spend enormous amounts of time and energy to overcome. The homewrecker. But, to cut her some slack – she needed my exhusband more than I did and him leaving me and his first family for someone “less powerful” was the best gift he ever gave me.
On one side of my life, I have zero contact with my exhusband and even less with my daughters’ stepmom. We’ve never met. Our first in person meeting will take place 8 weeks from now when my oldest daughter gets married. It has AWKWARD written all over it.
The Right Side of My Life
I married the love of my life in 2006. Richard re-entered my life after a 25 year hiatus – he was my first love, my first boyfriend in high school. The stars and planets aligned…God really does answer prayers!
Richard came with four kids, an ex-wife and her entire family. When Richard introduced me to “his” family, it was his ex-wife’s family. When we got married, her oldest brother was Richard’s best man and two more brothers were groomsmen. Her parents are in my extended parents wedding photo (as are my mom and stepmom!)
I’m invited to every family gathering. Thanksgiving dinner is always at her mom’s. Her mom goes to the State Fair with Richard and me. Richard’s ex-wife’s sister comes to my home once a week to practice yoga. Next Friday, Richard and I are double dating with his “ex” brother-in-law and his wife.
The best way for me to describe Richard’s ex-wife is that she’s my “ex-wife-in-law.” She’s part of my extended family and so is everyone else in her family. Likewise – they welcomed me into their family as a sister and a daughter. After three years of wedded bliss, the oddness and weirdness has finally worn off…
When I stop to think about this paradox – the vast differences between the two sides – as if I’m walking a fine line between two realities – I get confused. How can one side be the silent 800lb gorilla while the other side is open and quite fun. It’s as if nineteen years of my life didn’t happen, except for the fact that I have two daughters to prove that it did happen. It’s so weird because some of my new family have told me that they don’t think of me as having been previously married. I simply came with two daughters and no baggage…(or a small carry-on).
I don’t know…I guess this is one of those inconsistencies that help make my life as colorful and wonderful as it is!
Peggy,
You have touched on one of the aspects about you that I always found fascinating. You are 100% a part of your husband’s ex-wife’s life and very involved with her children. And yet, with your own daughter’s smom, there is no relationship.
I have to say that in my view a lot of that comes down to the circumstances of each situation. You did not have an affair with your husband, so that aspect does not exist in the relationship between you and his ex-wife. However, your ex-husband’s wife may feel ashamed and possibly even scared to start a relationship with you out of possible guilt or remorse for what took place. And really, at this point, what would come of opening up to that relationship? Your girls are grown and there are no co-parenting issues to speak of now. Is there really a point other than to satisfy a curiosity that may exist on both sides?
My father cheated on my mother when I was 22 years old. My brother and I were out of house and on our own. My dad is still with the woman he cheated with and I actually like her very much. I am able to separate what he did to my mom and my relationship with them, because my father did not cheat on me. Yes, he hurt my mom deeply, but that is not my relationship to manage, that is between my mom and dad. The point I am getting to here is my mom insisted on meeting my dad’s girlfriend, for nothing more than to satisfy a curiosity about this woman. It did not end well and just opened up old wounds for my mom and created fresh ones for my dad’s girlfriend. There was no reason for this meeting to take place.
I have never been cheated on, especially after so many years of marriage, so I can’t even pretend to know the anger and hurt. I’m rambling here, so I guess my point is that if there is no reason to invite your daughter’s stepmom into your life, then why bother? There is a hurt and a betrayal there, no matter how much time passes.
You are a fabulous smom to your husband’s children and a great mom to your own children and I think that is what you should continue to concentrate on!
(I have no idea if any of that made sense!)
Wow – when you said two extremes you really meant it….. being the “new wife” and never married before I suppose I mostly identify with your “right side” Although identify is a weak word because the truth is I can’t imagine being that wrapped up in the ex-wife’s family! I am so glad it works for you and it does sound fun!
Cecelia – how right you are – at this point, meeting the “other” woman is not high on my list of fun things to do. I would rather meet her before my daughter’s wedding, but I know that won’t happen. She’s no longer a curiosity factor for me…but she is the catalyst for the best life altering change that ever happened to me – and for that, I’d like to thank her
Jamie – my “EWIL’s” family is awesome – her mom introduces me as her daughter-in-law and she’s my MIL. It works
I never realized how similar we both are! My stepmom roots are embedded in my marriage (which is my first; his second).
My husband’s ex-wife tells me I’m the best thing to happen because of their divorce. Her family adores me (so does my husband’s) and invites me to every gathering even when my husband can’t come. It’s a great feeling to have that extended sense of family. I sometimes don’t know what I’d do without it.
Erin,
I LOVE the fact that my ex-wife-in-law and her entire family have “adopted” me. Speaking of which…her sister is at my house cleaning it from top to bottom as we get ready to host seven wedding guests beginning Wednesday night. The good house keeping fairy really does exist!