Be Yourself

Jul 3, 2011 by Peggy Nolan

“I MUST BE MYSELF. I cannot break myself any longer for you. If you can love me for what I am, we shall be happier. If you cannot, I will still seek to deserve that you should. I will not hide my tastes or aversions.”
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson, “Self-Reliance”

Have you gotten to the point in your stepmom life that no matter what you do, what rings of fire you jump through, it’s never enough? The more you give, the more your step kids, your husband, perhaps your in-laws and even your husband’s ex-wife are just taking, taking, taking. Do you feel depleted and worn out?

I bet you do.

One of the things I often see is that my sister stepmoms have over identified with their role as stepmom. Or they’re confused about what their role is exactly. I remember when I became a custodial stepmom to my husband’s youngest son and I asked my husband what his expectations were (in a round-about way because I felt as if I had just entered the Twilight Zone when I become a full time stepmom!) My husband gave me the best advice, “Just be yourself,” he said.

Just be myself. “I can do that,” I thought. What other options did I have? Everyone else was already taken. Anytime I felt like I was under the microscope, I’d press pause and remember to just be myself. Anytime I felt awkward or uneasy around my husband’s ex-wife or her family, I’d press pause and remember to just be myself. Anytime I felt uncertain, I’d press pause, ask questions, and remember to just be myself.

What does being yourself really mean? For me it means owning my life and being responsible for my thoughts, words, and actions. I spent most of my first marriage trying to be someone I was not so that my first husband could feel better about himself. I made the mistake of dimming my own light so his had the appearance of shinning brighter. I spent a lot of time trying to live my life according to the expectations of someone else. It was an exhausting way to live and in the end…it ended.

I can honestly look at who I am now and who I was then and tell you that being myself is much easier then doing the mental gymnastics to not be me. Living inauthentically took its toll on me physically, emotionally, and spiritually. And I know it is taking a toll on a lot of stepmoms.

How Do You Know if You’re Living Inauthentically?

For me it feels like sandpaper rubbing on the inside of my skin. You may be living inauthentically if you do any of the following:

Say Yes when you really mean No
Prioritize the needs of others above your own
See past mistakes as failures rather than learning experiences
Feel your life isn’t going the way it should and you’ve disappointed everyone
Disown responsibility for your life choices
Blame others (victim mode)

Awareness and Authenticity

As a yoga teacher, I teach a mind-body connection. I teach body awareness and how that awareness is interconnected with mind and spirit. When you become aware of the obvious – how you stand, your posture, what you like for breakfast, or when you golf game is off – it becomes easier to be aware of the subtle things. You tune into your feelings and emotions and you’re not afraid to ask yourself why you feel sad or anxious.

The more self-aware we are, the more authentic our lives are. According to social psychologists Michael Kernis (University of Georgia – Athens) and Brian Goldman (Clayton State University), “a sense of authenticity is accompanied by a multitude of benefits. People who score high on the authenticity profile are also more likely to respond to difficulties with effective coping strategies, rather than resorting to drugs, alcohol, or self-destructive habits. They often report having satisfying relationships. They enjoy a strong sense of self-worth and purpose, confidence in mastering challenges, and the ability to follow through in pursuing goals.”

The more self-aware we are, the more authentic our lives become. Being authentic means being yourself and living your life congruently with your principles and values.