Be Secure in Who You Are
Amy Urbach is our next guest blogger and I just love this article from the Mom’s perspective. Like me (and many of us), Amy is both a mom and a stepmom. Her children have a stepmom. I am hoping that many moms will read this because if you are secure in who you are your children won’t suffer the loyalty binds that insecurity breeds.
Be Secure In Who You Are
As a mom I must be secure in my relationship with my kids so that I can allow them to have an open and loving relationship with their stepmom. If I feel threatened by her then I am only putting my children in the middle and forcing them to choose between her and me. I give my kids permission to have a relationship with their stepmom. They are thankful for that. How do I know? They tell me.
I am secure enough to know that no matter what I do or say my children will always love me as their mom. Just as they can never be bad enough to make me not love them, nor can I do the same. I understand that no other woman can take my place regardless of how she may try or want to. I rest easy knowing that my heart is theirs and theirs is mine.
I choose to treat my kids’ stepmom as I would want to be treated. I choose to have hope that her marriage is going to be a loving and caring marriage as to set a better example for my children than I was able to with their father. It is my hope that they are able to break the cycle of divorce before my children are faced with it.
I must choose to believe that my kids’ stepmom has only the best intentions for getting along with my kids and providing a loving and safe environment when they are with her. This doesn’t mean that I don’t experience moments of jealousy or frustration. This doesn’t mean that I don’t wonder if they “like” her more at times. What it does mean is that my kids have another woman in their life that has chosen to be with their father and make them part of her life as well.
I have no expectation for her to be perfect. I don’t expect that she will do everything just like me and if she doesn’t, then she is wrong. I have no expectation for her to like my kids all the time or even enjoy them all the time. I won’t demand that she not enjoy her time with them or my kids enjoy their time with her. I will work hard to not display a hint of displeasure if my kids enjoy being around her. I will work hard to fight the jealous feeling I may have if my daughter goes shopping with her or because she has the same last name as my son and I don’t.
I will choose to involve her in my kids’ activities. I’ll allow her to participate in party planning and contributing. I will encourage all parents to attend events for the kids, with the kids. I choose to encourage all extended family members to enjoy the kids’ events together for the kids.
Do I think this is easy? NOT AT ALL. It takes practice and me making a daily choice. I choose to not make her life and MY life miserable. You can too.
Amy Urbach is the mom of two and stepmom of three. Amy and her husband, Eric, have been married 5 years. Amy’s passion is to help other blended families find peace and hope by helping them know they are not alone and by placing tools in their hands to be successful blended families. Amy has an awesome mom and stepmom and loves them both.
Stepmom University – Learn | Share | Grow
Join the forum discussion on this post
Related Posts
Tags
Share This
Well said Amy. I wish every mom whose children has a stepmom could read this, digest your words and live it. Like you said, it isn’t easy but it is so important to do. Embracing the stepmom of your children is a gift you give to them. And I think what can be challenging for women who are both moms and stepmoms is when they work well with the smom of their children but the mother of their stepkids doesn’t embrace or welcome her in the kids life. We see it can be done and the benefits of doing it so it can be really hard when that kindness and acceptance is not reciprocated.
Well said. Thank you for your example.
Love you girl,
Alicia
You have a good heart Amy Urbach
Very good thoughts. If every stepmom could read this, many stepfamilies would be different. Thank you for sharing a mature perspective on a difficult subject.
Gayla
As a mom who’s kids were 15 and 18 when I got divorced, one the things I knew, realized, and practiced was that they were old enough to own their own relationships. They didn’t need me telling them crap about their dad or the woman who became their stepmom. What they needed and what I needed was to be confident in who I was. To be confident and secure in me was the best example I could set for my daughters. And now, at almost 27 and 24, they are independent, strong, confident, globe trotting, young women.
Thank you Heather, Alica and Debbie. Thank you Peggy for allowing me to share my heart.
As a stepmom for the past 27 years to 3 beautiful now-grown women, can I just say that I am so proud of you Amy? You have come so far in the last few year! It is so evident that God has been at work in your life and that the passion and peace you are experiencing are a result of your ultimate trust in Him. There is nothing like advice from someone who has been there and I’m so grateful you are transparent and willing to share. I love you girl!
Thank you Karyn! You have been an inspiration to me and my family. Love you!
Mom says that she has an awesome daughter. You are a wonderful wife, mother and step mom as well as daughter.
No mom could be more proud.
Brava! Well said!
Thanks mom!
Nicely written and well said. Im not a BM.. but i WISH the bm of my SS could feel the same way.
As both a mom and a stepmom, you are right on. I feel as you do about my son and his relationship with his dad’s fiance. My stepdaughter, on the other hand, lives a lot of turmoil. It breaks my heart.
This perspective was very enlightening as to what the mom of my SS10 may be thinking. I’ve always assumed that she knows that my relationship with him is the one that will always play second fiddle to her but I think she may struggle more with insecurity that I originally thought. Thank you for your fresh honest, Amy!