Be An Observer

Jun 2, 2011 by Peggy Nolan

This article comes from my Remodel Your Life From the Inside Out Program and was first published in the February 2011 issue of StepMom Magazine

“If the [enlightened stepmother] maintains constant watchful awareness of her consciousness, associates with her surroundings without attachment and remains a witness, she will cultivate peace and poise of mind.” ~ Yoga Sutra II.23

I remember stuffing my feelings, gritting my teeth every time the schedule was ignored, and generally feeling put out that I had to put up with so much chaos when it came to Junior, my youngest stepson.

I resented his mother’s care free life. After all, I was the one with two grown children who successfully left the nest. I was ready to be an empty nester! I resented Junior for being behind the maturity power curve. As a teenager he still needed to be babysat. I resented my husband because he just didn’t seem to get it. He was so used to his son’s behavior that chaos was normal. My resentment bubbled underneath like hot molten lava.

After several stressful events with Junior, I could feel myself ready to blow. But something stopped me. As I flipped through my copy of Yoga Journal, a short article on Ahimsa (a-him-sa) caught my attention. I pressed my internal pause button long enough to read the title, then the article, and I realized that I had to do something about the resentment and hostility boiling beneath my surface. In yoga philosophy, ahimsa is “the opportunity to relinquish hostility and irritability, and instead make space within your consciousness for peace.”  (Yoga Journal, February 2009, page 79)

Ahimsa is the practice of nonviolence. Many people define the act of nonviolence as something physical, for example: Turn the other cheek, thou shall not kill, thou shall not break your curling iron over your brother’s head. Ahimsa is much more than the practice of physical nonviolence. It’s also about practicing nonviolence with your own internal dialogue.

I had many negative thoughts about my husband’s ex-wife.  And due to my husband’s good nature, any time she asked him for something, I felt territorial and protective of him because I thought she was manipulating him. I was angry with her because I thought she stepped out of being a mom to Junior (my husband had full physical and legal custody of Junior prior to his 18th birthday).

After a series of stressful events with Junior, I was oozing hostility. And not just towards my husband’s ex-wife, but also at my husband and my stepson. I was angry with all of them.

Anger is One Letter Short of Danger

My hostile and angry thoughts weren’t harming them…they were harming me. Ahimsa is not just about practicing nonviolence to others but it is also about not harming ourselves. My own angry, negative thoughts were harming no one but my Self.

I realized just how hostile I was being and how that hostility was affecting my relationship with my husband, his ex-wife, and my step son. I pressed my internal Pause button, stepped back from my negative thoughts and observed them.  For every negative thought I was harboring I asked myself, “Is that true?” What I found was that I attached myself to the negativity…I believed each hostile thought I had about my husband, his ex-wife, and Junior as if they were real.  Quite frankly, I created an Academy Award worthy drama inside my head.

Kick Hostility and Anger to the Curb

Just like forgiveness has very little to do with who is being forgiven, letting go of your negative thoughts has very little benefit towards the person you harbor hostility towards. Unless a person can read your mind, they don’t know if you’re thinking angry thoughts about them.  The person who benefits is YOU.

According to Sharon Gannon, the co-creator of Jivamukti Yoga, “when you start to understand how karma works, you realize that how you treat (or how you think about) others determines how much suffering you experience.” (Yoga Journal, February 2009, page 80) Think about that for a minute (Or two…or three).

How you think about others determines how much suffering you experience.

I’m not big on the suffering gig. It’s too stressful. After living it in my first marriage, I vowed to do life differently. But there I was, creating my own suffering because of what I was thinking about Junior and his mom.

I put myself in time out and I allowed myself the opportunity to relinquish hostility. I began to simply observe my thoughts without judgment, observe Junior’s behavior without judgment, and observe my perception of Junior’s mom’s lack of caring without judgment.

My own personal experience with this was nothing short of creating my own small miracle.  I challenged each negative thought by asking myself either “is that true?” or “is this useful?” and watched each negative thought I had towards my husband, his ex-wife, and my step son vanish.  Awareness invaded the space that once housed my hostility.  I felt lighter, happier, calmer, and more in tune with myself and my marriage.

Give yourself and your marriage the gift of awareness rather than anger and hostility. Create the space within your consciousness for peace, joy, and happiness.

Homework

• In your journal, write down your negative thoughts about your step children, husband, and / or the ex-wife. Be as creative and elaborate as you’d like. The point is to get it all out.
• With each negative statement you’ve written, ask yourself, “Is this true?” or “is this useful?” Another one of my favorite questions to ask is a Byron Katie question, “can you give one stress free reason to hang onto that thought?”
• Declare one day a week Observation Day. Observe how you think about yourself and others. Be kind to yourself during this practice. Observation is a judgment free zone!

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Don’t Forget!

Find Your Balance starts June 6, 2011! This 3 week online course is geared towards helping you reduce and manage your stress so that you don’t feel over-committed, over-stretched, and over-whelmed! For details, check out Stepmom University and register today!

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