Isn’t It Time For A Little TLC?

Posted on January 17, 2013 by Peggy Nolan

3 Ways to Help You Deal With Stepfamily Conflict

“That’s it. I quit!” Sara emphatically wrote. “I can’t take one more minute of having to deal with the %^&$ anymore.”

Once again, Sara’s husband acquiesced to his ex-wife’s demands and he reverted back to being Disneyland Dad. Sara felt between a rock and hard place. She loved her husband and his children but the complexities and chaos of their stepfamily life often created feelings of anger and resentment.

Sara’s husband’s ex-wife’s constant demands and scheduling changes were the biggest cause of conflict in their marriage. Conflict is inevitable, however; everyone has a choice in how they manage and mitigate conflict.

Sara’s not alone in feeling this way. Most women who marry a man with kids and an ex-wife struggle with visitation schedule changes, custody battles, intrusive ex-wives, child support, parenting differences and many other stepfamily issues. One way to deal with the conflicts, challenges and complications is by using the TLC strategy.

T is for Take It. How often do you tolerate bad behavior? Think about this, you get what you tolerate and you teach others how to treat you based on what you tolerate. In other words, if you keep doing what you’re doing you’ll keep getting what you’re getting. If your husband’s teenage daughter is behaving badly, do you take it because you think you have no alternative? What if you chose not to tolerate bad behavior – what are your options?

L is for Leave It. Leaving is always an option. The divorce rate in the United States is high and stable – about 50% of all first marriages end in divorce. Second marriages have a 60-65% chance of ending in divorce. Sara is about to leave the man she’s madly in love with because she can no longer tolerate the bad behavior of both his oldest son and his ex-wife. She’s reached her limit.

Leaving is certainly an option, but can Sara do something else? She sure can. And so can you.

C is for Change It. You can change how you respond to the bad behavior of others. It would be so much easier if those around you would magically change but the only person you can change is yourself. Just as it’s difficult for others to change, it’s just as difficult for you to change. Very rarely do any of us want to take a look deep inside and ask, “what am I doing or not doing that’s contributing to the issue?” and “how can I change what I’m doing or not doing?”

Conflict is inevitable but as the famous psychologist William James once said,

Whenever you’re in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude.”

The next time you find yourself in conflict with another, are you going to

take it,

leave it, or

change it?

Four Ways To Manifest Your Dreams

Posted on January 15, 2013 by Peggy Nolan

Be Yourself, Be Yourself, Be Yourself

I wish I could make you understand that being yourself is far better than being what you think others expect you to be. What others think is a moving target. Most of the time, you don’t even know what people are thinking about you. It’s like herding cats and nailing Jell-O to a tree at the same time. If you had changeling abilities you’d exhaust them. You’d be constantly changing, morphing, switching back and forth, and all the time wondering “who am I supposed to be?” Just be yourself. And you won’t feel like a worn-out, tired, angry blob. And the truth is, most people don’t have time to think about you anyway. They are too busy being worried about what they think you think of them.

Martyrdom Looks Ugly On You

I do everything around here. I pick up their messes. I do all the laundry. I do all the cooking. No one does a damn thing to help! I’m sick and tired of taking care of his kids and cleaning up after him.

Well, then. You can stop anytime you choose to. The kids can do their own laundry. Teach them how. Your partner, most likely, can cook. You just don’t allow him to. Assign chores. Assign consequences for chores not being done…and stick to them. Kids’ bedrooms can be cleaned by simply shutting the door or by donating or throwing away the sheer volume of unimportant stuff that creates that appearance of the aftermath of an F5 tornado.

Either stop doing for others that which they can do for themselves or stop complaining about it. Martyrdom is a choice. And you won’t get my sympathy if you keep complaining about the same thing over and over and over again.

Perfectionism Is the Greatest Con On Earth

I know you want to do and be your best. Me, too. But there’s a difference in being your best and being perfect. What stops us from trying something new is, in many cases, that we won’t get it right the first or fifth time we make an attempt. We want to be perfect right from the start. Without learning how to do it. Without practicing how to do it. Without mastering how to do it. So we don’t ever take the first step. Because we’re afraid to get it wrong. Because we’re afraid to fail. Because we’re afraid to look like a goof in front of our friends. Because we have to keep up the façade that we have to be perfect.

Well, that’s just puppy doo. Get on with your bad self and learn that something new. I am. And I turn the big 5-0 this year. I don’t want to hear, “I’m too old for that” either, because my something new just happens to be Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. I’m the old lady in class. And I don’t care.

mind your mind

Thoughts Become Things

Mike Dooley, the “Notes From the Universe” guy, explains it much better than I do, but boy oh boy, do I get this. You and I create our reality by the thoughts we think. Once we put that energy out there, the Universe can’t help but give us exactly what we put out there. The Universe wants to work with us, not against us! The more you think in terms of fear, scarcity, and lack, the more of that you create in your own life. The more negative your thoughts, the more negative stuff you create. Don’t believe me? Experiment. For the next 30 days practice positive affirmations. Create a vision board. Make choices and decisions that are based in love rather than fear. Surround yourself by positive, successful people. Write what you truly desire in your journal. The clearer your wants, the clearer your outcomes. Practice. Mind your mind. Become a thought watcher. Observe your actions or your words after a thought. And remember these words from Gandhi,

What you think becomes what you say.
What you say becomes what you do.
What you do becomes your circumstances.

And this is me talking – if you don’t like your circumstances, you have to change first what you are thinking.

I’m not a Pollyanna. I know, from my own experience, how hard of a mind mud wrestle it is with each of these areas. I didn’t know how to be myself until my ex-husband walked out after 19 years of marriage. I had no choice but to figure me out and define who I was without becoming an extension of someone else.

Martyrdom was the first thing that had to go. In the exact moment of my unfolding I had the choice to live in martyrdom forever and ever and be the ugly emotional victim of a man who cheated or I could be better. Not perfect. Just better. I had the choice to rise above, step into the unknown and know I’d fall and make mistakes. I had to learn a new of living my life and the best way to learn is to make mistakes. Turns out I like learning and growing. I told perfectionism to take a hike. And I started minding my mind.

I am proof positive that thoughts really do become things. I am the master of my fate; the captain of my destiny. Once I made my thought shift the Universe conspired with to help me manifest my dreams. Of course, I continue to fine tune my deepest, truest desires and I’m excited about what I’ll be manifesting over the next 12 months.

Are you ready to manifest your dreams? If so, are you ready to be yourself? Are you ready to say buh-bye to martyrdom? Are you willing to forgo perfectionism for something so much better? Are you ready and willing to mind your mind?

I will be teaching an online course on these four major stumbling blocks to harmony and balance. Course begins March 15 and will run for four weeks. Be on the lookout for early bird registration!

My Stepmom Path

Posted on January 8, 2013 by Peggy Nolan

I Chose The Road Less Traveled

I’ve walked a path no one else has walked. My journey is unique to me and me alone. At times I have fellow travelers whose paths intersect with mine and we walk awhile together. We share our stories and when it’s time to go our separate ways we hug good-bye and continue down our respective paths.

I have been blessed to share my stepmom journey with so many. At times our paths cross and we walk together. I have met some truly amazing women who’ve accepted the challenging role of stepmother. Some I’ve said good-bye to. Others have remained good friends and although we have separate journeys we remain a constant support system. Or maybe we’re a mutual admiration group, cheering each other on and lifting each other up.

I became a stepmom on September 22, 2006. The day I married the love of my life I also became a stepmom to his four children. He became a stepdad to my two children. Of the six “kids,” only the youngest was in the nest. Richard’s youngest son, Junior, was 14. The rest ranged between 18 and 22. In the beginning custody of Junior was 50/50. We had him a few days during the week and on the weekends. His mom had him when we didn’t. The arrangement worked well until the end of Junior’s freshmen year in high school. The school failed him utterly and completely. You see, Junior had been on an IEP since the day he entered kindergarten. By the time he transitioned to high school, he fell through the cracks. Because he was never a discipline problem, his teachers paid no attention to his school work. His ADHD made him inattentive and unfocused but never disruptive at school. He quietly failed.

Towards the end of the school year, Junior began acting out in our home. His mom was going through her second divorce, he was failing at school, and life in general was overwhelming for him. I came home to knife marks in my kitchen walls one day. Another morning I woke up to discover that Junior took a steak knife to my beautiful micro fiber suede couch and made a nice “Z” in one of the cushions. He blamed the dog. I told him the dog didn’t just sprout opposable thumbs. I didn’t want anything to do with him. I most certainly didn’t want to be his stepmother. My husband and his ex-wife scheduled an appointment with Junior’s neurologist. Maybe it was ADHD related. In my gut, I didn’t think it was. I thought it was anger related and Junior’s inability to process his anger in an appropriate way. The neurologist offered little to no help except to admonish Junior for unacceptable behavior and to reiterate that ADHD isn’t an excuse to destroy property. Another incident that involved my cousin’s then four year old daughter caused our first very scary argument. It was make or break for our marriage. And for Junior who was now 15.

I didn’t want Junior living in my home. He was dangerous and his behavior was erratic. I remember his mom emailing me one morning asking if it would be ok to have Junior stay with us that night. I remember taking a very deep breath and typing, “I don’t want Junior in my home until he is in therapy.”

Needless to say shit hit the fan. Junior’s mom called my husband and screamed at him. He didn’t know what was up because I hadn’t communicated with him. But up until that point, I was used to communicating directly with Junior’s mom. She told him that I had absolutely no business making a unilateral decision like that. My husband got wrapped around the axle, called me, and proceeded to rip me a new one. Who was I to make that decision on my own?

We were all right and we were all wrong. When my husband and I returned home that day we had a very long talk. He knew that he was wrong for yelling at me and choosing his ex-wife’s side before he heard me out. I was wrong because I hit the send key without discussing it with my husband first. Junior’s mom was wrong because she knew something deeper was going on with her son yet she acted as if nothing had happened. I was right in asking that Junior stay out of my home until he was in therapy. I also needed a lot of space away from him and time to get right with myself. My husband was right because I didn’t talk to him first. He knew he needed to get Junior help and fast and he was already working on it. Junior’s mom was right because we all really needed to sit down and discuss what to do with Junior. I suppose I accelerated that discussion.

We found a therapist for Junior. I spent the summer attending twice weekly appointments with my husband and Junior. At the end of 8 weeks, we were no closer to an answer for Junior but my husband and I were most assuredly on the same page when it came to all things Junior. Junior’s mom took a left turn and stepped back for a while. Her life was a little upside down. I believe she took that step back because she knew Junior was in good hands. Despite my anger at the incident with my cousin’s daughter, I managed to find a place where I could love and support Junior. And welcome him back into my home.

Junior came to live with us full time right before he started his sophomore year. Mom signed full physical and legal custody to Richard so that Junior could attend Pinkerton Academy, the regional high school in our town and, as far as I’m concerned, the best high school in the state of New Hampshire. Both my daughters graduated from there and as a parent with a strong leaning towards education I was happy to see Junior’s parents agree that Pinkerton was the best place for him. Junior’s mom also knew that Junior thrived with his dad. And sometimes, as a parent, you do the hard thing for you so your child benefits from the choice you made.

Richard and I were in and out of counseling with Junior for the next two years. Junior got his act together at school – enough to graduate. Junior and I bonded through Muay Thai Kickboxing. It was our thing until he failed English his Junior year. Richard and I agreed that extracurricular activities took a back seat to passing grades. Richard and I became a solid, united front with Junior. There was nothing he could say or do that would break us apart. Nothing. When Junior figured out he couldn’t spin us out of control he tried it once with his mother and I. While we had an interesting conversation in the parking lot during a drop off and pick up, she realized that Junior pulled a fast one. And pretty much told him never to do it again. Honestly, it must suck to be a kid in a blended family and have all the adults in your life undividable.

Hands down Junior was my biggest challenge as a stepmom. Nothing prepared me for him. Not being a stepkid myself. Not having raised two of my own kids and one of them was my mean-ager. Not having breast cancer. Nothing in my bag of tricks and life experience prepared me for him. Junior was God’s cosmic joke on me. I say joke because I dislike tests. And God often throws us the test before we’ve learned the lesson. Once I failed the test, Junior became less of a challenge and more of a lesson and I learned a lot from him. The greatest lesson I learned was how to clearly state what needed to be done, turn my back, and go do something else. I always felt I needed to explain ad nauseum why things had to be done. And Richard used to talk at Junior until he was blue in the face. Talking never got Junior to change his behavior. When I changed my behavior and when Richard changed his behavior, Junior changed his behavior.

These days Junior is on his own at Job Corps in Washington, D.C. Somewhere along the line, we all did something right. Richard and I are officially empty nesters. I don’t write all that much about being a stepmom anymore. I have great relationships with all six of my kids. I have a friendly and better-than-most relationship with Junior’s mom. I realize that not everyone has what I have or even wants what I have. And that’s ok. We’re all on a journey that’s unique to who we are.

Website Changes

Posted on January 7, 2013 by Peggy Nolan

Overhauling the Website

No one likes to do housework including me. There are some chores I like to do. Folding laundry is my favorite. Putting it away not so much. I have stacks of neatly folded laundry on top of my dryer. It can sit there for days until I need something like my underwear. Sad to say that the tools and pages I created on this website have been sitting all nice and neat, eager to be used. Only they haven’t been. I thought more business owners who target stepfamilies would want to be in the Resource Directory. I thought more stepmoms would want to use the private forum. Even those who paid to use it didn’t use it.

I asked myself why.

Perhaps business owners, coaches, and therapists didn’t see the benefit of the resource directory. Perhaps it didn’t generate the type of traffic they were hoping for. I certainly wouldn’t pay to advertise on a site that didn’t generate what I thought it would.

As for the forum, I drew a blank. Those who paid for the lifetime membership when I first opened the forum have been silent for nearly three years. For those who paid the monthly subscription, not a peep. I don’t feel right taking someone’s money if they aren’t using the service they purchased.

So I canceled all recurring subscription fees. I hid the resource directory and the forum. I pulled the Aweber newsletter form. I changed the layout. I added a simple blog subscription. If you like to read the blog, please subscribe. Every post will appear in your email. I kept the eBookstore. I kept links to all the book reviews and a page for the radio show.

Downsizing feels right. I’m no longer worried if the website will generate an income to pay for itself. I never expected to quit my day job but I did expect that subscription fees would keep the site operational. When my current hosting contract is up I may convert this back to wordpress.com.

At any rate, I’d like to hear from you. Post a comment and let me know what you’d like to see here. How can I best help you navigate the sticky ball of goo that step life brings?

Xo
Peggy

If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader. ~ John Quincy Adams

Full Cup, Thirsty Spirit

Posted on January 2, 2013 by Peggy Nolan

The irony is killing me. About six weeks ago I was asked to review Karen Horneffer-Ginter’s book, “Full Cup, thirsty spirit: Nourishing the Soul when Life’s Just Too Much” for my blog. Of course I agreed – I love reviewing books that serve to help and uplift. The deadline was just far enough out for me to completely and promptly forget about it. I briefly remembered when the book arrived in early December. I read the back cover and thought, “Goody! Right up my alley.” I placed the book on my desk and that’s where it remained until last night.

I almost deleted the email reminding me of the virtual book tour. I saw the name of the sender and confused her with someone else. I won’t name names because I don’t want people to think I just delete their emails. Or maybe I should.

I sent the virtual book tour coordinator a reply (because I nearly always reply) asking for extra time because between work, the holidays, and my bonus daughter and her family moving out of my home into one of their own, I completely brain farted on the book review.

I started reading Karen’s book around 4PM on New Year’s Day. Timing is everything. Karen’s words leapt from the page. They weren’t just talking to me. I think some of them were hollering at me. I have a confession to make. I get caught up in the busy-ness and the too much-ness of my everyday life. Another confession: I make things that aren’t important part of my busy-ness.

I read most of the book by 10 PM. And for the first time in a long time, this book deserves more of me. In fairness, there are parts of this book that I have down cold. I make time for myself on a daily basis. I’m really really good at self-care. But I’m not so good at “emptying out the debris.” And I can definitely do a much better job at flowing through the rhythms of my life and paying attention to my inner wisdom.

One more confession: Yes, my life has gotten to be just too much. I’ve perfected the art of busy procrastination. I didn’t think that was even possible. Yes, I’m a very busy procrastinator, a very busy doer, and a very busy over-achiever. I’m so busy being busy that I slept through most of the cruise I took this past summer. And the 12 days I just had off? After a very busy work season, I simply collapsed. Two articles, one video, and one book review – all with deadlines of NOW are just staring at me. No, I didn’t do them. I didn’t work out either. But I did watch two full days of back-to-back Dr. Who episodes on BBC America (and now you know I’m super geeky, too.) I hosted an awesome Christmas Eve party, I napped on Christmas day. I took care of my grandchildren. I wore my sweat pants most of my vacation. I went to one yoga class.

I didn’t write a word. Except on Facebook. Facebook = busy procrastination. Same goes with Words With Friends. All I can hear in my head is the voice of the Darleks “Exterminate! Exterminate!” Words With Friends = Darleks. (You’d have to watch Dr. Who to understand who the Darleks are. I don’t have time to explain. Because I’m busy.)

Karen (you know, I really hope she doesn’t mind me calling her by her first name) quotes Wayne Muller in the beginning of chapter one that perfectly describes where I am right now.

“She would center her clay, and then keep bringing it out, out, out to its edge, and then, pushed to its limit, it would collapse…she realized that she was the clay. She had been brought again and again to her edge, only to collapse. The invitation was clear, to live her life close to the center.”

And the rest of her book is all about living your life closer to your center. Each chapter is chalk full of wisdom, tips, and exercises. And the beauty of Karen’s words is that this is not one size fits all. What works for me, what gets me closer to my center may push you further from yours. You have to find what works for you – to stop the crazy-ness of busy-ness and too much-ness.

I’ll have a proper review or should I say, my own results of living closer to my center in 90 days. In fact, I’ll share what works for me from time to time. Right here.

In the meantime, go buy the book. We can work together.

Much love,
Peggy

Happy New Year!

Posted on December 31, 2012 by Peggy Nolan

It’s a new year. Time for resolutions and a mind set to do things differently. But how far do we go before we quit and revert back to patterns of old behaviors?

Change is HARD. Change takes TIME. Change requires CONSISTENT EFFORT. Do you have the discipline, the focus, the stick-to-it-ness to see your changes take root and bear fruit?

Say no when you mean no

Say yes when you mean yes

Let others do for themselves that which they can do for themselves

Give up care taking – it doesn’t work

Perfection is the greatest con on earth – you are already perfect in every way

What you allow will continue until you decide it’s not worth allowing

Speak up for yourself because no one else will

Make yourself a priority – others will follow your lead

YOU matter. Make yourself count and be heard in 2013.

Xxoo

Peggy

Merry Christmas 2012

Posted on December 25, 2012 by Peggy Nolan

My wish for all my Stepmama sisters is to have a joyous and peaceful Christmas. No matter if you have the happy chaos of children unwrapping gifts at 5 AM; if you have to wait to celebrate because the kids are at Mom’s; or if you’re some place in between.

Find ways to make today special. Find ways to relax and enjoy the moment. After the gifts are unwrapped and the living room cleaned of reams of Christmas wrapping paper, take a second to enjoy a cup of coffee with your husband. Today is just as much about you and your husband as it is about the kids and all the places you’ll be visiting today.

Merry Christmas!
Xxoo
Peggy

Family Matters

Posted on December 20, 2012 by Peggy Nolan

In light of the recent, heart breaking events, this IS what matters. Tonight my husband and I hosted a special family dinner with a very special guest of honor.

Alyssa may not be our daughter but she is dear to our hearts. She’s home for Christmas while her husband, a US Marine, is deployed. They are expecting their first baby, Ella Louise, in April.

I have absolutely no genetic connection to anyone who was at Family Dinner tonight. What matters most is each and every one who shows up. Including the four legged fur baby, Zeus, who just happens to be my ex-wife-in-law’s puppy.

Summer 2013 Stepmom Cruise

Posted on December 9, 2012 by Peggy Nolan

Summer 2013 Summer Cruise: Boston —–> Bermuda

This past summer my husband and I took our first ever cruise. It was spur of the moment. I’m always on the look out for great travel deals and when I found the Boston —-> Bermuda cruise on Norwegian Cruise Line, I couldn’t resist. The cost of the advertised special was $549. Richard and I did a little research on Cruise Critic.com we upgraded from deck 4/5 to deck 10. For us, this is the “cheap” cruise. No airfare required since we live 40 miles north of Boston.

While we were on the cruise, we talked a lot. One of the conversations we had was “wouldn’t this be great if we could get other stepfamilies out here with us?” A way to get away on a traveling hotel, where all you can eat is all you can eat, entertainment every night, programs for the kids, and Bermuda is beyond fabulous. Plus – stepmoms would have immediate access to me. More importantly, my husband will be there and able to talk to our men. And sometimes it takes another man to explain things in the language that men understand.

Stepmom Summer Cruise – August 30 – September 6, 2012

Boston —–> Bermuda

Norwegian Dawn

Cost: Cabins range from $549 – $999 per person. This cost includes your room and your food for the entire week…not to mention many amenities. This does not include your costs to and from Boston, shore excursions, alcohol, etc.

Best decks: 9 & 10

How to book your trip: Your Vacation Heroes. You should see a screen like this once you enter in your search criteria:

There is currently a $250 deposit required; however I believe it is being waived for the holidays. Final payment is due in June 2013

Once you have booked your trip, please let me know. I’d like to keep a roster of who will be cruising with me so I can work with the travel agent on what things we can set up for our group.

Bermuda at Sunset c Peggy Nolan

The Norwegian Dawn at King’s Wharf c Peggy Nolan

Horseshoe Bay Bermuda c Peggy Nolan

Seven Tips To Survive The Holidays

Posted on November 30, 2012 by Peggy Nolan

Seven Tips to Survive the Holidays

This article appears in full in the fabulous double issue of Applaud Women!

1. When things get stressful have a code word or phrase

2. Plan things out ahead of time (Be Proactive!)

3. Take time for you

4. Just say “No” to extra stress

5. Be Thankful!

6. Participate in Acts of Kindness

7. Keep it Simple!

The Stepmom's Toolbox

Author Archives: Peggy Nolan