Author Archives: Teresa Thompson

Reality Stings

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An excerpt from Peggy and Teresa’s summer release “Angry: How Burnt-Out Stepmoms Can Reclaim Their Happily Ever-After” (working title)

Reality Stings

We heard Gretel’s piercing scream through the open kitchen windows. My husband and I stared motionless at one another as we listened to the high falsetto of a situation gone terribly wrong. The shouts of several more children on the heals of my stepdaughter’s shrieks made us jump simultaneously toward the door. My husband reached it first, tearing it open and running outside. I followed him, frantically looking around for my daughter, Sissy. I saw her running toward me and I could hear her yell, “Mom! Mom! Gretel stepped on bees!”

I watched as Gretel crashed through the trees that lined the south side of our apartment complex. My husband picked up speed as his daughter’s cries rang through the woods. She followed her screams into the open with flailing arms. She stumbled as she emerged, falling down the sloped ground toward her father. She slapped at her legs and stomach. “Get them off! Daaadddyyyy! Get them off!” she yelled in a shrill and terrified panic.

As soon as my husband reached her he began slapping away and stepping on the small, black wasps still attacking Gretel. I watched them as they preformed a frantic, violent dance together around the menacing stingers. The scene from the movie My Girl, where a little boy is stung to death from disturbing a ground wasps’ nest, borrowed itself into my brain. I turned to Sissy and the two other neighborhood children with a look of sheer horror on my face.

“Did anyone else get stung?” I asked. The tone of my voice and the look on my face made each of their eyes widen.

“No.” They assured me in unison.

“Are you sure?” I demanded as I forcefully inspected each child’s arms and legs.

“Yes, Mom. We’re positive. No one else got stung,” Sissy reassured me as she held her hands up to my face. “Gretel was ahead of all of us, so when she stepped on the bee’s nest and started screaming, we all started running.”

I turned back toward my husband and his daughter. Their awful dance was over. Gretel sat in the grass crying hysterically from the pain of the stings. My husband picked her up and carried her into the house. His face was white and his body language indicated he had no idea what to do to help his child.

“Bring her to the bathroom,” I commanded as Sissy and I followed him through the house.

I turned abruptly, which caused my daughter to crash into me as she came to a stop. I put my hands on her shoulders and ordered her to bring me baking soda and a cup.

“Oooo ok.” Sissy’s voice trembled when she spoke.  “Is Gretel going to be ok?” Her blue eyes teared up.

I didn’t know if Gretel would be OK but I nodded gently as I hugged my daughter. “Everything will be fine,” I whispered. I just wish Gretel’s mom was here to help take care of her daughter, I thought as Gretel’s agonizing wails echoed throughout our home.

What You Do For One…

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What you do for one you have to do for the other.

These are the words I overheard my stepdaughter’s mother saying to my husband a few days ago…  and a topic I’ve dealt with in one form or another since the day I said, “I do.” I ask myself: If I do something for my own child does my marriage certificate obligate me to also do it for someone else’s? Does the commitment of marriage span the distance between biological child and stepchild? The answer, in my experience, has been a never-ending source of guilt and conflict on the stepmom front. This is how I’ve broken it down…

The Husband’s Perspective:

Everything I do must be equal between the children. He believes wholeheartedly that this is the only way to be fair… equal money, equal time, equal opportunities. Period. I should not be doing anything for my own child if I’m not willing to also do it for his. This is his bottom line opinion. Any changes in venue are brought about by careful planing and strategic word choices on my part.

The Stepchild’s Perspective:

I want! I want! I want! It’s not fair! It’s not fair! It’s not fair! Me, too! Me, too! Me, too! She gets more than me! She gets more than me! She gets more than me!

The Stepdaughter’s Mother’s Perspective:

Why does your wife’s child get everything and our child gets nothing? Your wife doesn’t have the right to give one child in your household something and not the other. Our child deserves just as much, if not more, than her stepsister. You need to be supportive and stand up for your own daughter. You need to be fair.

My Child’s Perspective:

I want! I want! I want! It’s not fair! It’s not fair! It’s not fair! Me, too! Me, too! Me, too! She gets more than me! She gets more than me! She gets more than me!

My Perspective:

My husband just wants to be fair with as little conflict as possible. If he can appease his ex and his daughter, he only has one person to deal with… me. If, however, he sides with me, he then has two people to contend with. Unless and until I assert myself, he will always choose the lesser of two evils. It’s human nature to do so.

My stepdaughter’s mother is out to get as much for her child as possible. I can definitely relate to that. It’s the same mindset I have for my own child. Other factors I take into consideration while listening to her vent to my husband: she is not a stepmother so she doesn’t understand my position, she only hears what her daughter tells her, she’s lashing out from her own ‘mommy guilt’ space.

As far as both children are concerned, well, they’re children. They’re out to get as much for themselves as they can and will manipulate their socks off to get it.

The ultimate reality?

No matter what I do, someone’s not going to be happy.

In this case, I’m somewhat in the same boat as my husband. I can choose to do something for my daughter and have three people angry with me. Or, I can choose not to do something for her and have only one person angry with me. The bottom line is, what can I live with as a wife, mother, and stepmom? How can I feel at peace with myself and the decisions I make regarding my child without damaging the relationships I have with my husband, his ex, and my stepdaughter? What special things can I do for my own daughter without compromising the emotional security of my stepdaughter?

When I intend to do something for my child only, I ask myself the following three questions:

  1. Am I doing this out of competition from something my husband or his ex did for my stepdaughter?
  2. Is this something that is considered a gift from both my husband and myself?
  3. Would it be neglectful or abusive if I did not also provide the same thing for my stepdaughter?

If the answer to all three of these questions is no, I proceed to the final question:

Who’s financially contributing to the costs of what I’m giving my daughter?

I am entitled to quality alone time with my child… an afternoon at the movies, dinner at a favorite restaurant, a walk in the park, a shopping trip to the mall… without feeling like my stepdaughter must always be included. Just as my stepdaughter’s mother is entitled to share the same things with her own daughter minus the company of anyone else. Things like this come from my own personal spending allowance and will not be compromised.

More expensive things and opportunities like overnight field trips, summer art classes, or driver’s ed come either from the household account I share with my husband or from child support given to me by my ex. If they come from the account I share with my husband, I assume we will make the same (or a similar) purchase for my stepdaughter. However, if the financial contribution is from my ex, I do not expect to be obligated to cover the same expense for my stepchild.

Finally, there are the basic necessities such as food, health care, medical, clothes, and miscellaneous expenses. These are the non-negotiables of any household. Both children are provided for equally.

It’s easy to be ganged up on and taken advantage of as a stepmom. We’re simply in the precarious position of being the easiest target and the safest scapegoat. However, we can eliminate much of the drama with a few boundaries and a well thought out strategy. Must I do everything for my stepdaughter that I do for my biological daughter? The simple answer is no, I don’t. Along with this I always try to remember it’s not my job to make everyone happy. My only job is to act from my heart and be the best mom, wife, and stepmom I can at any given moment.

Homework:

  1. How do you determine what’s fair amongst all the children in your household?
  2. What are the attitudes of each person directly involved in your stepfamily dynamics?
  3. What are you satisfied with in your current situation?
  4. What needs to change? Why?

Put yourself in a position to act without guilt, competition, or drama!

Come up with your own list of criteria, guidelines, and boundaries in your mom/stepmom life. Put your plan into action and Enjoy!

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Stepmoms… Step Back!

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Why I’m choosing to sit in the backseat of my stepdaughter’s life...

I began my role as a stepmom by becoming the custodial stepparent of a hurt, scared, angry little eight year old girl who had just been diagnosed with childhood depression. Seeing someone in crisis, I quickly donned my ‘Stepmom to the Rescue’ cape with matching tights and swooped in to save the day. I looked and felt glorious in my new position as wife and stepmom, and I was bursting at the seems with my ‘This is gonna to be great!’ attitude.

That was my first mistake.

Having no idea I’d just committed stepmom suicide, I proceeded to believe that my superior parenting skills and unconditional love was the be all and end all for this family. Thank goodness I was there! Now my stepdaughter didn’t have to be depressed, hurt, or angry anymore. Even better than that… her mom could learn so much from me about parenting! My shining example of motherhood will be the beacon of light that makes her see the error of her ways. She’ll finally be the kind of mom her daughter needs… thanks to ME!

That was my second mistake.

I felt that as soon as everyone saw my way was best and started doing things exactly how I thought they should done, they’d finally be happy. Once they embraced my light, they would fall all over themselves to be first in line to thank me. They’d believe I was the best thing that ever happened to their family! It would be wonderful!

That was my third mistake.

And those mistakes kept coming… As long as I made my stepfamily situation all about me, as long as I stood front and center amongst everyone, as long as I believed I was right and everyone else was wrong… I continued to make mistake after mistake after mistake.

My life became saturated with drama. I was exhausted, stressed, angry, resentful, and full of self-pity. However, I honestly felt I was doing the right thing. I believed my attitude what exactly what my blended family needed. I had the best of intentions, so I couldn’t see the arrogance and self-importance pouring out of my every word and action. I couldn’t understand why my way wasn’t working. Eventually I began to feel like my family was a disaster.

That’s when I reached out for help… and thank goodness I found Peggy! The best piece of advice she gave me came from the therapist she was seeing to help her own stepchild.

You didn’t break your stepchild(ren). You can’t fix your stepchild(ren). Your only job is to love your stepchild(ren).

Thank You Therapist!! I felt like I was the triage specialist to my stepdaughter’s wounds and it was my job to make everyone in my blended-family dynamics happy. Me, my husband, my daughter, my stepdaughter, her mom, her mom’s family, my in-laws, my extended family… Whew! That’s one huge, heaping load of happiness responsibility!

I. Couldn’t. Do. It.

Once I realized it was an impossible job to be the ‘Happiness Fairy’ and/or the ‘Fix-It Queen’ for everyone even remotely connected to my family, the idea of detaching sounded heavenly. It was time for this stepmom to step back! I began by giving myself three simple ground rules.

1. I Will Stop Parenting My Stepdaughter. It’s simply not my job. Yes, my husband and I have rules in our home that each of our children need to follow. However, I enforce those rules with my child and he enforces them with his. Period.

2. I Will Not Take What Her Mom Says Or Does Personally. Whatever she says or does, it’s never about me. It’s all about her own fears and doubts as an ex to my husband and a mother to my stepdaughter. I’m an easy, safe target for the biomom to use when releasing pent up frustration. How do I stop getting hit? I step out of the middle of her parenting relationship with the father of her children.

3. I Will Accept The Fact That Some Things Are Completely Out Of My Control. I cannot change child support, custody arrangements, or the dynamics of my husband’s relationship with his ex and his child. I also cannot change anyone else’s behavior. I can only change how I react to and interact with my life’s circumstances.

Following these simple rules allowed me to create a peaceful, personal space by which to participate in stepfamily life. I’m still a part of my stepdaughter’s life. I’m still my husband’s wife. And I’m still the female role-model in my own home. I’m still fully present in my life. I’m just doing it without all the pressure and drama I created for myself when I was standing front and center.

Homework! Take a moment to think about how you are participating in your blended family dynamics. Are you making yourself a target by standing in the middle? What steps can you take to step back? Create your own list of ground rules or adopt mine! Share your opinions and experiences in our forum!

Listen to Peggy, Teresa, and Erin talk about stepping back on The Stepmom’s Toolbox Radio Show April 11th at 8PM EST.

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Parenting 101: Manipulation

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This article is for every parent who’s riding the guilt train… STOP IT! Your children are not benefiting from this…

Children are master manipulators. Their only goal in life is to try to get their parents to give them what they want. Every day is a new opportunity for them to hone their skills. They scope out their wish list, develop their argument, take stock of their parent’s weak spots and breaking points, and go strait for the juggler whenever possible.

Ami and Maleigha ~ My two master manipulators! They may look cute and innocent… but don’t let them fool you!

The latest and greatest battle in our house? A phone. Ami’s is on the brink and she’s fighting for all she’s worth to get a new, top of the line, give me all the features, clean out the bank account piece of technology that will more than likely be broken within a month due to teenage carelessness.

It is amazing to me the lengths this child will go to in her efforts to win the coveted prize… a $600 Droid.

She knows beyond a doubt she won’t get it from her dad or me. We can’t afford it, nor do we believe it’s necessary. So, she went on the warpath with her mom… who I hoped would stay strong and not give in. Replacing the one she has with the free, insurance covered option is good enough when you’re 15. After all, if you’re not paying for it yourself, you have no room to complain.

Does Ami realize and understand what she’s doing when she argues for what she wants? Absolutely! She told me herself she’s proud of her ability to guilt her mom into getting her whatever she wants. The phone was no exception. Ami pulled out every trick in the book! She now has her mother jumping through hoops to provide her with a phone she can’t afford to buy. The plan for obtaining such a treasure consists of buying an affordable phone from the options on her phone plan, selling it for a profit on Craigslist, taking additional money out of her (the mom’s) bank account, asking for $20 from Ami, and having grandparents agree to provide the rest of the financial commitment as an early birthday gift. Can you believe one child has this much power? Crazy, isn’t it?

Guess what. She’s not alone! This happens often for children who grow up in blended families. My advice… don’t fall for it! Teaching children love and respect means setting boundaries. Giving in to the guilt creates feelings of resentment for you and entitlement for your children. Put those two things together and you’ve got one powerful monster!

How do you parent without being sucked into the vacuum of childhood manipulation?

Here are my top five tips:

1. YOU are the adult. YOU set the tone. Disengage with your child whenever his/her behavior is unacceptable. Re-engage only when feelings of mutual respect and cooperation are present.

2. Saying no is an acceptable parenting practice. In fact, often times it’s the cornerstone of a great relationship. Children need boundaries. Parents are there to set those boundaries in place until children are old enough to do it on their own.

3. Be consistent. Children need to know what to expect from you. Being consistent and predictable cuts down on the amount of manipulation a child will try to get away with.

4. Don’t feel guilty about your limits as a parent. You know what’s best for your child. If the free phone option is your choice, it needs to be their choice as well.

5. Let your child be an individual without compromising your values as a parent. Children do need space to express themselves, make their own decisions, learn, grow, and experience life. Not, however, at the expense of your standards or expectations.

Recognize manipulation for what it is, push it aside, and be the kind of parent your child NEEDS! Which, by the way, is often NOT the kind of parent your child wants! Someday they’ll thank you… After all, how often have you thanked your own parents for all the times they refused to give in?

Homework: Where are you giving in to guilt as a parent? Write down the situations in which guilt plays a factor in your decisions. In each case, write down the choice you would have made if you hadn’t given in to the guilt. Which choices are better for your children (bio and step)? Why?

Coming June 21, 2011: The Savvy Stepmom Mastermind Group! Registration opens April 1, 2011. Space is limited to the first 12 people who register.

Communicating from the Heart

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Have you reached your boiling point? Are you simmering in resentment? Do you feel like throwing in the towel and giving up? If so, pull up a chair and let’s get down to business.

Communicating from the Heart is a series of courses designed to put you in touch with the anger, resentment, and frustration surrounding your blended family dynamics. Uncover the source of your anger. Understand how to use your feelings as tools for choice and empowerment. Reconnect with your husband and build meaningful relationships with your stepchildren. Join Peggy and Teresa for this series of three-week courses designed to turn your negative feelings into positive outcomes.

Understand Your Anger

What sets you off and why? Explore your feelings, make a list of your triggers, and learn how you can turn anger and resentment into personal growth. This three-week course helps you uncover the core issues of your frustration and gives you the tools you need to move beyond resentment.

Week One: Define your anger. Make a list of your triggers.

Week Two: Discover the needs based reasons behind your resentment.

Week Three: Find your power! Learn how to use your anger constructively.

Strengthen Your Marriage

How are the lines of communication in your relationship? Do you shut down? Can’t get a word in edgewise? Skirt the issue? Bring up too much baggage? Stop the madness! This class gives you the resources you need to communicate effectively with your life partner.

Week One: How does your current style of communication sabotage your relationship?

Week Two: Don’t say this… say that! Understanding the power of word choice.

Week Three: Develop communication styles that put you and your partner on the same team.

Connect With Your Stepchildren

This class is designed to help you create a strong foundation by which to connect with your stepchildren. Learn how to utilize child-friendly models of communication that help you and your stepchildren connect the dots in your relationship.

Week One: Define the relationship you currently have with your stepchildren and outline a plan for change.

Week Two: Create a “no-judgment” zone in your home.

Week Three: Design child friendly models of communication that reframe the way you and your stepchildren interact.

More details coming soon!

Homework!

Where in your blended family dynamics do you have the most difficulty communicating? Join us in the forum to discuss your answers!

Did you know that our on-line tutorial, Six Weeks To A New You, is now free to all members? And you can join us in the forum, Stepmom University to discuss this and other aspects of The Four Agreements!

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The Power of Choice

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The most challenging situation I’ve ever had to work with in my life is step-mother-hood. It’s sort of like being a mom yet not even close. Especially when the stepchild lives in your home.

I’ve been both custodial and non-custodial stepmom to my stepdaughter Ami since she was eight. Just the other day I had a small conversation with the girls about the moment this became a reality in both of their lives. The conversation went like this:

Me: What was it like for both of you to become stepsisters out of the blue? (Matt and I eloped just 35 days after we met. It was a surprise for every person who knew us… especially our children)

Ami: Well, I was living at my grandparents, in walks some lady with her daughter, and dad said, “Hey! Meet your new stepmom and stepsister.” I was like, “Ooookkkkk????”

Maleigha: What about me? All of a sudden some guy showed up in my house and never left!

I became a stepmom before I ever met my stepdaughter. I formed an image in my head of what this would mean in my life before it ever became a reality. It was a Brady Bunch daydream minus the Alice. I’ve been back-tracking ever since.

Blending this family has been a huge challenge. It continues to be a challenge. Every day is a work in progress. On the whole I believe we do very well. However, I have my moments when frustration rears up it’s gnarly head and growls in my face. It has been one of those weeks where grrrr is the knee-jerk reaction to everything step-related…

I struggle with the responsibility of raising someone else’s child. She lives in my house and is dependent upon me to care for her, yet I’m not her mom. I love her and want what’s best for her, yet she’s not my daughter. These dynamics in and of themselves are complicated. Throw in 15 year old girl hormones with nearly 40 year old peri-menopause hormones and you’ve got yourself one thin tightrope.

Hmmm, let’s pause for a moment and send our sympathies out to my husband Matt… poor guy.

I love my stepdaughter and want what’s best for her. I also want peace and harmony in my home. The two do not always go hand in hand. The questions that arise from this become:

1. How do I work with this rationally?

2. How do I continue to find love in my heart when I just want to scream?

3. How do I empathize with Ami when she’s driving me crazy?

4. How do I make home a comfortable, peaceful place for Ami during those moments I desperately want her to go live with her mom?

I signed myself up to be a stepmom when I married my husband. I had no idea what that meant at the time, but I’ve accepted the responsibility. It’s had its rewards, its sorrows, its surprises, and its ugliness all wrapped up in a social dynamic sans a decent, honest role-model.

Today, I’m tired. Today, I need a break. Today, I’m not embracing my reality with an open heart. We’ve all been there at one time or another in our lives with something or someone. I think what makes the difference in our lives is how we choose to handle ourselves in the face of adversity and internal conflict.

I choose to make space for me and for Ami.

I choose to try.

I choose to give myself a break when I need it.

I choose to be authentic and hold my integrity.

I choose to be as loving as possible at any given moment.

I choose to be honest and honor my feelings.

I choose to breathe, breathe, breathe.

For anyone out there who is involved in a blended family dynamic… embrace the power to choose whenever possible. There are so many things as a stepparent that are out of my control… living arrangements, child support, visitation schedules… that whenever a choice is mine, I make it thoughtfully and carefully.

“Excellence is not a singular act, but a habit. You are what you repeatedly do.” ~ Shaquille O’Neil

What do I wish to become in this blended family journey? What do I wish to repeatedly do? What is the outcome I desire most?

The answers vary from day to day, but in every one of them, the prevalent word is love… no matter how difficult or challenging the circumstance… I choose love.

Homework: Take a look at your stepmom situation. Where do you have choices? Do you know? If not, why not? Join our forum discussion and write out your top five choices for today!

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