Are You Trapped in Negative Stepmom Self-Talk?

Jul 7, 2010 by Peggy Nolan

Are you caught in the trap of stinkin’ thinkin’? You know, “I’m second best,” “I’m not his first wife,” “I’ll never experience all the firsts he had with her…” Are you tired of playing the same messages over and over again?

Once upon a time, one of my sisters told me that my hand made Christmas gifts were an embarrassment. Once upon a time, my ex-husband  told me that my photographs, ones I had sold, “weren’t that good anyway.” Once upon a time, I stopped crocheting blankets and scarves for people in my family. Once upon a time I packed away my Nikon camera. Once upon a time, I packed away my photography portfolio. Once upon at a time, I stopped taking pictures all together.

I took the soul crushing words of other people less talented than me, less successful than me to heart. I allowed their words to play with the negative alligator inside my head. I believed what they said. I trapped myself with my own negative self-talk. Self-talk that took hard work and a few years to change. Even today, when the negative alligator says to me, “who wants to read what you write?” or “maybe that blanket is an embarrassment…do you see the mistake in the corner?” or “you’re not submitting that photograph to the State Fair!” I have to practically yell at it and when I do, I always ask one thing, “show me the evidence.”

One of my favorite personal development experts and author is Dr. Shad Helmstetter, NYT Best Seller, and all around great guy. In 2005 I had the good fortune to hear him speak (not once but three times!) at Arbonne conferences in the New England area. His words were magic to my ears. His message pierced my blocked creative soul and lit the spark within.

As stepmoms, we hear verbal messages and we see non-verbal messages that reinforce our own negative stepmom self-talk.

• You knew what you were getting into when you married a man with kids
• He had kids with her, but won’t with me.
• He married her first. He had all those firsts with her.
• I’m an after thought, an outsider, second best.
• He puts his kids before me.

As these messages play over and over in our brain, our subconscious creates neural pathways in our brain and our brain soaks it all up as truth. Our own brain begins to fill in any gaps with our own negative self-talk

• I’m second best
• I’m not his first
• I’m not good enough

As long as these tapes are being played, you are sliding down the slippery slope of negative self-talk. You lose your confidence. You become insecure, jealous, resentful and you succumb to the societal myth of who a stepmother is. You lose yourself and you begin to believe what’s been handed down and repeated over and over again.

According to Dr. Helmstetter’s research, 77% of the programs we carry with us are negative, counter-productive, or work against us. 77%! That’s a lot of negativity swimming around between your ears! On top of all the negative stepmom self-talk, you’re also carrying around all the negative programming you’ve received since birth.

And that’s a crap load of negative self-talk!

Up till now, your success or failure in life is ultimately the result of your individual programs…Wow…heavy stuff…and the good news is that your tomorrows can change if you are willing to change your self-talk.

In his book, “Who Are You Really and What Do You Want?” Helmstetter will take you for a walk through “self-talk park.” He’ll ask you uncomfortable questions and challenge you to break free from the false beliefs, the false programming running around inside your head.

I love when Helmstetter states, “Either you control your self-talk or your self-talk controls you.” This reminds me of one of my favorite quotes by TS Elliot, “If you are unwilling to impose your terms upon life, then you must be willing to accept what life offers you.” When we allow our self-talk to control us, we are allowing our lives to be controlled by the thoughts, opinions and expectations of others.

Who’s up for a little mental house cleaning?

I know it’s scary to wrestle back control of your own self-talk and become the captain of your fate, the master of your destiny. God forbid we stepmoms aren’t seen as “nice.” We don’t want to rock the boat. We want everyone to like us. We go out of our way to please anyone and everyone because we’ve been tricked into incorrect thinking.

In “Who Are You Really and What Do You Want,” Helmstetter provides a plan, a strategy to break free of the negative self-talk and self defeating thoughts.

Four steps to get you started:

• Monitor and Modify your self-talk
  • “ I can’t do this” becomes “I can do this.”
  • “That makes me mad” becomes “I can handle this.”
• Have a talk with yourself – many talks!
  • Helmstetter recommends having an honest, private, word for word conversation with just yourself ~ outloud.
• Set aside time for yourself – you have to make you important
• Ask yourself good clear questions and give yourself good, clear answers
  • How do you feel about yourself today?
  • How  do you feel about doing something to improve yourself?
  • What makes you feel best about yourself?

A few years ago I ran into a former co-worker who I had made a baby blanket for about seven or eight years ago. The first thing she said to me was that the blanket I had made was the only blanket her daughter insisted on keeping on her bed. My hand-made crocheted blankets are hardly an embarrassment. I make them all the time now and I love giving them as gifts!

When Richard and I got married in 2006, he found my portfolio and looked through it. He asked me why I stopped taking pictures. I told him the story my negative self-talk stubbornly held onto – despite all the evidence to the contrary. In 2008, he encouraged me to enter half a dozen photos in the State Fair competition. That year I took home two second’s and a third. The pictures I entered were images taken with either my cell phone camera or a disposable camera. Not bad. Last year I entered three photos. I took a third place with an image from my digital camera, an honorable mention, and a picture that I had taken in Albuquerque, New Mexico in 1998 with my Nikon N65 took first place.

© Photo by Peggy Nolan “Snowblossoms” 1st place, 2009 NH State Fair

I am that good and so are you.

**If you are interested in purchasing Dr. Helmstetter’s book, please check out the Resource Page. I have his book listed as one of my top personal development resources!