Are You A Self-Abusing Martyr?

Jul 1, 2010 by Peggy Nolan

by Wilma Ham, creator of the breakthrough online program, “WomenLikeMe“

What are the Martyr radio shows about?

Since I have become a strong martyr free base camp, my relationship is flourishing, my children no longer can give their step father or me grief even if they still do not behave greatly under my ex-husband’s disruptive influence. I am no longer bending over backwards, taking all the blame and responsibility feeling everything is my fault. I worked hard at equipping myself to be this way but it has been worth every penny and every minute.  I learned that equipping myself and giving up martyrdom was the biggest favor I could have done to anybody who means something to me, my erratic ex included, although he may never know this.

Champion sport performers equip themselves to their eyeballs for their country; I now choose to do that for my loved ones.

When the America’s cup yacht races were held here in New Zealand some years ago I saw their base camps from close by. They were impressive and no wonder their charges performed well! And they in the end are only playing a sport.

But you and I are doing ‘real’ life; you and I have the responsibility for a ‘real’ family, so how come for years was I satisfied with being badly equipped?

For most of my life I was a martyr, allowing others to plunder and abuse an already badly put together base camp. None of those sailors would have gone to sea supported by such a weak base camp, I know that for sure.  No wonder that we have trouble keeping our boats afloat.  We take step families on board thinking nothing of it and before we know it we are out of our depth. In those situations martyrdom is not a very good rescue remedy, let me tell you that.  Rowing your boat faster doesn’t help, being nice to the crew makes no difference, doing drama will not save anybody when sinking. Only firm, clear, courageous and well equipped base camps will get them out of trouble and safely ashore.

No sailors like to sail under a weak captain who cannot command the boat. It confuses the crew and can even lead to mutiny. Martyrs do not know how to be good captains, how to give commands and tell the crew what is expected of them. Your second in command, your husband also needs to know what course you are sailing and what is needed for a good trip. It pays to tell him how to support his captain when the crew resists commands, but alas a martyr is not inclined to share responsibility. A martyr rather works so hard that exhaustion makes good decisions impossible and puts the whole ship in danger of going under. A good base camp is like a good captain, she can make or break life expeditions.

There are a lot of skills a captain needs to learn, there are a lot of things a martyr needs to UNlearn.

The first step is to recognize martyrdom in ourselves because it can be disguised in many forms which look good on the outside. Many of us need help with this first step to see that we are martyrs and thus badly equipped to lead a family, let alone a complex blended step-family. That first step also includes seeing that we need to do something differently that might cost money or even demand ‘ME’ time to keep the ship from sinking.  In the radio shows about martyrdom the aim is to expose some of the tricky disguises of martyrdom that might fool you and then explain what steps to take to eradicate martyrdom behavior. One thing I want to stress is that you cannot do it for yourself by yourself. You need other women who have learned to live life differently and have become strong base camps and are equipped to lead their families in loving, healthy ways.

On Tuesday, July 6, 2010 at 8PM EST Wilma Ham will be appearing on The Stepmom’s Toolbox Radio Show. Whether you listen live or download later, you don’t want to miss this show and end your self-abusing martyr ways for good!

When: Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Time: 8PM EST

Where: The Stepmom’s Toolbox Radio Show