An Invitation To Change

Sep 7, 2009 by Peggy Nolan

So much of what goes on in the heart of a stepmom is between our own two ears.   Sometimes, I just wish I could wave my Princess Wand that Tess Marshall sent me over all my sister stepmoms so that you, too, could realize and know a few truths that I’ve discovered.

90% of what we experience is based on our attitude.  10% of it is the stuff itself.  Don’t believe me?  You don’t have to.  But after banging y our head around and blaming other people for your experience, don’t you think enough is enough?  Don’t you think a good hard look inside yourself is in order?  

You and only you are 100% responsible for what you think, say, and do.  You are.  No one else is.  And it’s this part of being a stepmom that trips up so many of us.  We try to be the end all to be all.  We morph into someone other than ourselves, pouring into and desperately trying to make things work, right now.  Immediately.  As if remarried families should instantly gel and the family members should bond like Super Glue.  In our effort to blend, bond, and glue everyone together, we become martyrs to illusionary thinking…an ideal that doesn’t exist.  

Being a stepmom is not a unique experience.  I’m not the first stepmom and neither are you.  But instead of trying to solve the problem, we insist on rallying support to our cause so that we can continue to justify erroneous programming, behavior, thoughts.  I’m guilty of it and so are you.  I don’t know about you, but I’m tired of justifying my behavior.  I’m tired of illusionary thinking.  It’s exhausting.  

Here’s the deal:  You can’t change your husband, his ex-wife or his kids.  So stop trying.  I give you permission.  Just stop.  If there’s a custody battle brewing and you’ve become your husband’s legal secretary and you don’t understand why he isn’t fighting harder, STOP doing what you’re doing.  As long as the children are not in harm’s way, you can’t want something more for your husband then he does for himself.  Just like I can’t want more for my stepson then he wants for himself.

Got a bitter ex-wife that you’re dealing with?  Accept that she’s bitter.  You can’t change how she’s feeling.  And if it’s perfectly reasonable for you to feel angry and resentful it’s perfectly reasonable for her to feel bitter.  Feelings are neither right nor wrong.  They’re just feelings.  What do bitter people feel like?  How do they operate?  A little fruity, a little nutty, a little unreasonable?  Probably.  Can  you change a bitter person?  Nope.  Only they can change themselves…because the change comes from within, not from without.

As a stepmom who has walked into a remarried family dynamic what can you do?

Do your outside homework!  Gather your resources – books, magazine articles, websites, life and family coaching.  There are so many resources available to remarried families.  We’re not the dirty word mainstream media makes us out to be.  

Do your inside homework!  The best investment you will ever make is the investment you make in yourself.  It’s not selfish, it’s mandatory.  The better you become as a person, the better everyone around you becomes.  You can’t make others change, but when they see you change for the better, they’ll be more receptive to your invitation to change.  They’ll want what you have and they’ll ask you “how did you get so darn happy?”

Be Yourself!  You’re neither Carol Brady nor Lady Tremaine.  You are you.  Relax.  Trust your inner voice.  It’s not the end of the world if things don’t happen right now.  Breathe.  Stop jumping through hoops and bending over backwards.  If you agree to do something agree to do it without expecting something in return.  Put your marriage first, adopt a healthy self-care routine, and understand that every remarried family takes time to gel and adhere together.  

Ghandi once said “Be the Change you wish to see in the world.”  But I challenge you to simply be the change you wish to see in your family.