Recently, we asked this question, “What do you struggle with most?” on our facebook fan page. Teresa and I decided to respond to the biggest struggles on the blog.
One stepmom responded, “Being treated like a live-in nanny; having to do all ‘mom’ things, but not being allowed to discipline or say anything and not being asked my opinion about what goes on in the house even though I do all the work and pay bills. Invisibility.”
Teresa Responds:
This is a classic case of ‘we get what we tolerate’ in the stepmom world. Why are you choosing to take on the parental responsibility of someone else’s children especially if you feel you are not getting the support you need from your significant other? Why are you allowing someone else to make up the rules? If you want a voice in your home you need to speak up!
First and foremost, you must be a partner with your partner. Sit down with your significant other and form a parenting plan addressing the following issues:
- General rules for the household
- Consequences for breaking the rules
- How rules will be enforced
Once you have a plan in place it is vital for the adults in the home to work as a team. When children see parents as a united front working from the same page they are more likely to follow rules.
Your next step is to step back. If you don’t want to be the nanny it’s up to you to fire yourself from that position. “No” is a complete sentence. So is, “Go ask your dad.” Do only what you feel comfortable doing when you feel comfortable doing it. Hand the rest of the child rearing responsibilities back over to your partner.
In this particular statement, the words “not being allowed to” raises a red flag for me. If fear of abuse is the motivating factor for your silence, please consider your safety. Ask friends or family members for help or call The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799 -7233(SAFE) TTY 1-800-787-3224
Be Well,
Teresa
Peggy will respond on Friday!
Join the forum discussion on this post 
Yes!! I often hear stepmoms complain about everything they do for the their stepfamily and are resentful as hell b/c they’re not getting any appreciation in return, from anyone. And I think to myself, “um…just say NO”! It’s really as simple as that. You’re not there to raise those kids, you’re there for your marriage. If you happen to WANT to be involved with the kiddy stuff, then go ahead. Otherwise, back off
And if your spouse is not on-board with you backing off, then there’s definitely some couple work to be done.
Hi Jenna,
I also believe that if you are doing something for someone else, expecting something else in return (like appreciation, a pat on the back, a night out, etc) then you will be sorely disappointed. But more on that when I respond tomorrow!
Peggy
It took me an awfully long time to “get this” but I finally did!! I know how I am and while I don’t say this proudly, it is the truth — I was looking for gratitude and the “isn’t she a great stepmother” pats on the back. Once I “got” that I am fine being myself, I quit trying to get my steps to accept me. It has eased my load so very much. I no longer feel any sense of obligation whatsoever. I attend only what works for my schedule, I don’t do their laundry, prepare meals, clean their rooms, etc…If you can’t treat me well, then you don’t get the perks that I bring to the relationship either.
I know this sounds harsh, but I had to take care of me. I was getting eaten up alive and losing myself in the stepmother role. No more. I like me and share my energy, time and talents with those who are reciprocal.
Dear Ohio,
You have no idea how very proud I am of you! You’ve come such a long way in the two years you’ve been commenting and reading here! Bravo for reclaiming YOU!!
xo
Peggy
Peggy,
THANK YOU! Truly, you have been a blessing and have played a part in my journey. I have said it many, many times – I am blessed with the.best.woman. period. I have an amazing group of friends, a family unlike no other and include you amongst the best woman. Thank you for all of your advice, your timely posts and utimately for making every stepmother who reads your blog feel normal, validated and supported.
Hugs!
Thank you Ohio!!
Based on personal experience but also listening to many other Stepmoms, it is never about expecting a pat on the back or something in return other than respect. This is the biggest downfall – many stepmoms aren’t getting the respect they deserve, any human being deserves for that matter. And this is why there are ongoing conflicts, misunderstandings and frustrations.
And this is where the dad plays an integral role. Without his visible support of his wife in the stepmom role, the stepmom will continue to have feelings of being invisible.
Agreed