A Shift In Perspective
My A-Ha Moment
It felt good at first to have my boyfriend be so grateful for my help and it felt good that his kids loved me (we had so much fun with them until the Teenage Boy Syndrome kicked in!) and to be honest… it even felt good to know that his ex was so threatened by me. Yes… I was a better role model for them than she could ever be.
Now four years later I realize that I haven’t “fixed” anything! His ex is still crazy… the kids are still a product of her craziness. And my boyfriend is no longer grateful for my help… now he just expects it. I have compromised myself and my feelings the whole time in order to keep things running smoothly.
I have preached “MY” way of doing things to my boyfriend. I have said things like, “When your ex said that to you… you should have said XYZ!” And… “When SS14 mouthed off to you… you should have… !!” You get the picture. I now understand that… his ex is his ex… not mine. The kids are his children… not mine. He needs to handle all of them in a way that he is comfortable with. Not in a way that I would do it.
I am releasing my control… I will concentrate on what makes me happy. Spending quality time with my boyfriend!! I will enjoy my stepsons as much as I can and understand that however they turn out is not in my control. I will allow my boyfriend to deal with his ex in the way he sees fit… and I will understand that they have a history together that I will never comprehend… so why try.
I want to look in the mirror again and see that beautiful, energetic, fun, smart and loving woman that I lost a few years ago. I know she’s still in there… I just need to remove all the “baggage” that I’ve piled in front of her!
And Peggy… thank you for my new mantra…
I DID NOT BREAK THEM… IT IS NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY TO FIX THEM!!
****
Stephanie originally posted this on SMOMS.org and gave me permission to publish it on The Stepmom’s Toolbox. It took another voice, saying the same things, for Stephanie to realize that she had to take the parent out of step-parent and put her relationship first. A very special thanks to Mary Kelly-Williams and her eye opening article, “Take the Parenting out of Step-Parenting.” I encourage every stepmom to read it!
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Excellent! You are one beautiful, energetic, fun, loving and very VERY smart woman!
(and thanks Peggy for your ongoing wisdom and support)
That’s a great letter. Thanks for posting it.
I still struggle with trying to fix things. In marrying a man with children, there is some natural assumption of responsibility for the whole package deal. There are so many factors that are beyond our control though, which makes for an interesting (and very frustrating) ride. Taking a step back from the situation was the only way I could maintain my sanity and keep the marriage going. But now that the waters are calmer, I feel like I want to be a part of their lives again…and I hope they’ll let me.
I really like the line “I did not break them. It’s not my responsibility to fix them.” It’s quite a liberating reminder when so often our first response to the feeling of powerlessness that often comes with being a SM, is to try gain some sort of control, which only makes things more challenging. Whne we give ourselves permission to not have to control and fiz and manage things, we free ourselves up to enjoy the really important stuff – which is often the little day to day stuff. – G
G – that line was my Godsend. My stepson’s counselor said that to me “you did not make him, you did not break him, you can’t change him and it’s not your responsibility to fix him. Your only job is to love him.”
Love him? Yeah…I can and do that. All the rest of it, I completely released. And between you, me and whoever else is reading, our relationship changed 180 degrees for the better.
I wrote this quote down and posted it on my computer screen at work!!! SO TRUE! I admit I have this problem from time to time and I love to say the “you should” comments. Lately I have been working on letting go and I am more like my old self then ever before. It has given me the confidence and freedom I needed to be happy. I used to think that would mean I didn’t care but I have realized you have to care more then ever to be able to let go. It is completely worth it!
Hi Sharon!
It IS a struggle to stop trying to fix things, isn’t it? As a recovering “fixer” – the struggle for me was with my own ego and adapting to a new dynamic as a CP stepmom. As I worked on releasing all that was truly not my responsibility, I knew things would get worse before they got better – and they did – but as Junior realized that he had to become responsible for himself and his actions, he seemed to have matured and blossomed overnight. He’s made huge strides in catching up to his chronological age (he’ll be 18 in April) since last July. And I’m more relaxed in my role as an ally and a mentor.
You are welcome Megan!
xo
Dearest Life,
All of us need to write down: “you have to care more then ever to be able to let go.” So true, so true, so true! Sending you a double high 5!
xo
You have to care more than ever to be able to let go!!! Love it!! Even with my own daughter (21 and bipolar)… I have had to “cut the umbilical cord” and allow her to fall. I can’t be there to pick her up forever… so she must learn on her own. It is hard to watch someone you love struggle… but that’s what they need to grow and become better people. I feel free… free to be ME!!! THANK YOU!!!
Dear Stephanie – thank YOU for allowing me to share you and your brilliant A-Ha moment!
Focus on making your self happy today and being true to your spirit. Just for today!
AWESOME! I have been dealing with this situation in my own stepmom-hood & your words are so very similar to my feelings!
Oh I have been there too! And for me fixing everyone else destroyed me! It is so not worth it and in the end when we become destroyed inside we can no longer effectively help anyone! Way to go moving on with your own beautiful life and letting the rest just be.
“I can only control how they speak to me… and after four years… the kids know what I expect from them.” I love this line in particular too. It shows that stepping back our involvement does not mean scarificing our expectations when we are interacting with our skids. Also, through this- whether we are directly impacting them or not we are still placing a level of guidance out there for them to think about. In the end, they will choose whatever direction they want in life but by maintaining our own personal expectations for interaction still gives them insight to another set of values.
Way to go!
That is absolutely wonderful! I just read a post by someone about how babies, each morning, no matter what’s happened to them have a smile and that adults let life bring them down. Each morning is a new day and we have every right to be joyful. Good luck!
Found you on SITS
Wow, you read my mind. It seems like every other hour I’m reminding myself to let go of the control and the fixing. It’s such a great weight lifted and an important lesson to learn. Thanks so much for this, it’s wonderful!!
Hi Danae! I am so glad you found me…I am blown away by your blog, your generous spirit and your grace. I’ll be able to comment on yours when I get home…
Angie – it’s very true that we do impact our stepkids’ lives. More than we know and more than we give ourselves credit for. No matter who’s life I touch, I want it to be good…and if I’m wrapped up in anger at *how things should be* my impact is going to be more negative than positive.
xxoo
I’m so happy Stephanie’s post resonated with you Jenna! It’s ok – you can let go! xxoo
I LOVE this line. I didn’t break them so why would I think (and feel) that it is my responsibility to fix them?
However, at times, because they live in my house, it is hard to ignore the bad behavior and lies.
Ohhh… this step parenting things is so hard!
Ohio,
I’m also a CP stepmom. Junior lives with me 24/7. Releasing the need to control and fix him isn’t about ignoring the bad behavior. It’s about caring enough to let the natural consequences of his behavior impact him more than any amount of fixing I could ever think I could do. Loving Junior means that me and my husband are on the same page when it comes to discipline, rules, what the consequences are. I still banish Junior from the computer, TV, phone, etc if he behaves inappropriately. I just no longer associate discipline with having to “fix” him. Make sense?
This is great information! Thank you Stephanie for sharing your story. I know it will personally benefit me as I begin the journey this year of step mothering two young daughters.
This is good advice especially for people considering dating a person with an ex and children. I’m not a step mom anymore but my ex husband remarried and his wife is step mom to my son. I didn’t want to be the crazy ex wife so from the beginning I took the time to get to know her. I probably got lucky because she is a really great gal. I don’t agree with all of her parenting techniques but I don’t have to. And I am sure she doesn’t agree with mine. She and I have worked together over the last 12 years to have a great extended family. My son is a growing up to be a wonderful man. I don’t know how it happened really but I am extremely proud of him. I was talking to his step mom a few months ago and she mentioned that she had noticed how he had really grown up over the last summer. She said I had done a wonderful job and should be proud. Those words alone made my day. I thanked her for saying such a lovely thing and reminded her that all three of us had raised him.
Peggy, “I Just no longer associate discipline with having to ‘fix’ him.” A very A-HA! moment for me. I have some thinking to do about that sentiment. Thanks for the new angle to view things from!
You are welcome Jenna!
Just want to say your article is striking. The clarity in your post is simply striking and i can take for granted you are an expert on this subject. Well with your permission allow me to grab your rss feed to keep up to date with forthcoming post. Thanks a million and please keep up the ac complished work. Excuse my poor English. English is not my mother tongue.
pegy nolan, my name is stephanie and i can identify so much with stephanie fields story.how can i get in contact with her? plz help me, i need to speak to this woaman asap!!!! she is has overcome what im still going threw:(
I’ll get you in touch with her!
You are so correct that your step child are not yours to fix which is a very difficult thing to overcome if you are fixer. From reading this blog i have learnt to let go and stop trying to fix and walk away. The outcome has been interesting because the rest of my family has walked away from their step sibling also and seen her for her true colors (a selfish self centered adult)which we have all come to realize none of us can fix or want to be around. Thank you for putting into words something we had to learn the hard way.
Oh, I love this blog!
.-= Julie´s last blog ..Roses =-.