5 Easy Steps to Effective Change

Sep 21, 2010 by Peggy Nolan

How I Became a Savvy Stepmom

sav·vy

/ˈsæv i/ Show Spelled [sav-ee] Show IPA verb, -vied, -vy·ing, noun, adjective, -vi·er, -vi·est. Informal .

–verb (used with object), verb (used without object)

1. to know; understand.

–noun

2. Also, sav·vi·ness. practical understanding; shrewdness or intelligence; common sense: a candidate who seemed to have no political savvy.

–adjective

3. shrewdly informed; experienced and well-informed; canny.

Origin:
1775–85; < Sp sabe,  pres. 3rd sing. of saber  to know < L sapere  to be wise; see sapient

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Four years ago today I became a stepmom (Happy Anniversary Babe!!) and my husband gifted me with three wonderful young adult bonus kids and one very angry 14 year old boy…Junior.

Four months into our marriage, my rose colored glasses came off and my delusions of being the next best Carol Brady dissolved into thin air. In 2007 Junior acted out in ways that created chaos, drama, and intense conflict. You name it, he did it; damaging property, pathological lying, and intentional manipulation. Junior had no idea how to process his anger, deal with his emotions, or communicate with adults when he was in distress.

I grew up step kid so I thought I could deal with whatever Junior threw my way. Not only that, but I have two young adult children of my own that I managed to raise without being sent to prison. Teenagers are a rough crowd and even rougher if they’re reliving the emotional pain of their parents’ divorce over and over again.

To say Junior was not easy is an understatement but the day I realized I was oozing hostility like Zombie puss was the day I realized something had to give. And that something was me. I had to be the one to change because Junior wasn’t changing anytime soon.

I became a Savvy Stepmom by implementing Five Easy Steps to Effect Change:

Step 1: Be clear and specific about what you want to accomplish

As a breast cancer survivor I know first hand how damaging stress and high conflict are to my physical body.  Reducing stress and not engaging in Junior’s turmoil was my first priority. I communicated my concerns and needs to my husband and together we worked out a strategy on how to deal with Junior in a creative way.

Step 2: Take baby steps

I know that change doesn’t happen over night and there are no magic pills. After arming myself with information on ADHD, effects of divorce on children, and a solid parenting strategy suggested by Kevin Leman in his book, Have a New Kid by Friday: How to Change Your Child’s Attitude, Behavior & Character in 5 Days, I knew that things might get worse before they got better. I also knew that I had to commit to small and consistent baby steps every day. The strategy that I started with was to simply not react when Junior was purposely trying to create chaos. If he behaved badly either my husband or I would dispassionately send him to his room until he could behave appropriately.

Step 3: Celebrate often

Every time I dealt with Junior dispassionately and didn’t wrap myself around the axle because he was in a crazy making mode, I celebrated! Whether it was a my own little happy dance out of Junior’s eye sight, a high-5 between me and my husband, or just my own inner cheerleader waving her pom-poms. I celebrated every victorious baby step forward!

Step 4: Be flexible

Three steps forward, two steps back is still forward progress. I had to change my thoughts around success and failure. I committed to simply doing my best at reducing Junior related stress. Some days were better than others. I celebrated the good days and practiced self-care on the off-days!
 

Step 5: Remember that change is a process, not an end result

The only constant is change. In learning how to dispassionately deal with Junior’s mean-ager antics, I not only effected change in me, but also in my husband and in Junior. Once Junior realized he could no longer spin either of us to the moon, for the most part, he stopped. My behavior had to change before his behavior changed. I followed a process and I continue to follow this process when I see that I need to make changes in my life.

Why hasn’t goal setting worked for you in the past? Write about something you wanted to change in your life but were unsuccessful.

1. What was the goal?
2. What obstacles did you encounter when working toward the goal?
3. What feelings and emotions did you cycle through while working on the goal?
4. List three things you could have done differently that would have
   led to more success.
5. What have you learned by working through this process?

Read how Teresa Thompson used the same 5 easy steps to effect change to become a savvy morning yogini!

Would you like to become a Savvy Stepmom? I’d love to help you! Our next online class, “Six Weeks to a New You,” starts October 4, 2010. Register today!