My co-host, Erin Erickson is putting together an advice book for Stepmoms! (if you’re reading this, that would be you!)
Whatever your question, no matter how silly it sounds in your head – send it to Erin and she’ll corral her Stepmom Posse for the answers! (And don’t be surprised if one of your off the wall questions gets asked on our radio show!)
Have you read your copy of the March issue of StepMom Magazine? Pretty amazing, right? And if you haven’t, what’s stopping you from getting your hands on the only magazine by stepmoms for stepmoms? You’re missing out on the experts – Jacquelyn Fletcher, Susan Wisdom, Mary Kelly-Williams, Wednesday Martin, MOI, and more!
Are you doing the 40 Day “Don’t Take it Personally” Challenge? How are you doing with it? Are you writing in your journal every day? Are you paying attention to what you’re saying to yourself every time you take something personally? Care to share your observations?
Did you get a chance to listen to The Stepmom’s Toolbox Radio Show with Wednesday Martin? What did you think? Comments, suggestions, feedback welcome! We’ll be having Wednesday back on SOON! She was awesome 
I’m Not a Stepmonster!
Join me and Erin Erickson on Monday, March 1, 2010 at 8PM EST, as we dish tips, tools, and advice with Stepmonster author, Wednesday Martin.
Wednesday wrote the book on everything you wanted to know about how we stepmoms think and feel the way we do. Haven’t read it yet? Read my review and then buy yourself a copy because this book is a FIVE STAR must for every stepmom’s toolbox.
I know Erin is as exicited as I am to have Wednesday join us on Monday! You don’t want to miss this show! But if you can’t make it because of work, kids, different time zone, etc., you’ll be able to listen later.
If you have a question for Wednesday that you’d like Erin or me to ask, please leave your question in the comments section!
If you like to participate in LIVE CHAT during our show, make sure you have a BlogTalk User ID and Password. I recently discovered that if you login as GUEST, you can’t chat! And we want chatters. Talk to us while we’re on air…ask questions, make comments (nice ones) and join the fun!
See you on the radio!
Peggy
If you haven’t listened to our show with Cathryn from Monday night, I encourage you to give it a listen. Cathryn’s advice and practical application of “Don’t take it personally” is like a life raft in the middle of raging seas.
You can click on the radio show widget to your left and listen to our show with Cathryn right here – wow – how cool is that!
At the end of the show, Erin and I came up with a 40 day challenge to not take it personally and every time you do take it personally, to keep a journal and track your feelings – why did you take it personally? What feelings came up with Little Susie screamed, “your not my mother” or when Little Billy refused to eat the homemade meal you just cooked. or when your DH said something that made you cry.
One stepmom is blogging her challenge and you can check out her progress at http://wordpress.cafesmom.com/
You don’t have to blog about this challenge, but I encourage you to keep a journal – any single notebook will do (and a nice pen…I like nice pens that write smooth bold lines!)
Leave a comment if you say YES to the challenge. I’d love to hear about your progress over the next forty days!
I’m excited to introduce you to a new stepmom blogger whose talent is amazing. You can check out Leyea’s blog, Confessions of a Stepmom
I made the mistakes most stepmoms make; my husband made the mistakes most stepdads make, and his ex made the mistakes most ex-wives make. I’m guessing you made (or may be still making) the same mistakes. These same mistakes have been going around and around and around… Wait! Isn’t there something we can do about this problem?
This has been my thinking. I’m nearly twenty years into a stepfamily that’s actually a delightful family now. But it surely wasn’t delightful in the beginning. Like almost all stepfamilies, we didn’t have a clue what we were getting into – or we were in denial, putting all our focus on the “happily ever after” ideal image that was in our heads.
We went into our marriage with one child each (7 and 9 years old at the time) – which made for two very neat camps when the children fought – two mini-families at war, in a quick downward spiral. To top that off, I jumped in too fast as a stepmom trying to run a tight ship, and quickly won the “wicked stepmother” award in our home. My son didn’t accept my husband, and a wall built of misunderstanding built up between stepdad and stepson ….Painful years of struggle! And unfortunately, oh too common!
Eventually, I trained with the Stepfamily Foundation to work with stepfamilies, and learned all about how stepfamilies operate differently from first families. As a social psychologist, I couldn’t help but see a set of patterns emerge. As I shared them, the stepmoms I worked with started to feel more like normal people coping with navigating a very foreign territory. It turned out that knowing the “operating rules” for stepfamilies took the edge off, and considerably shortened, their learning curve. And when I shared these “operating rules” with stepmoms who had made it “to the other side”, there was an overwhelming chorus of “I wish I’d had that when I started out”.
There’s an emphasis on the stepmom’s experience now (it’s well-deserved, because most of the research shows that her experience tends to be the toughest in the stepfamily). But the best way to make a positive shift in the family is to look at it as a whole – as a living, interacting system of people, each of whom plays a particular part in the stepfamily drama. Each role in the stepfamily comes with a set of challenges, a set of complaints, a set of changes to go through. And the set of challenges, complaints and changes are strikingly common experiences to all those playing that particular role.
I have found that providing training and guidance for stepfamily members can begin to turn a stepfamily around pretty quickly, whether they’re in the beginning stages of upheaval or well into the mire of stepfamily challenges. The course I’ve developed, Creating a Successful Stepfamily, goes through a step-by-step process that helps any member of a stepfamily to step out of their limited perspective and start to see the whole picture. It becomes possible to become aware of and let go of unspoken but crushing expectations… to open up one’s perspective so that the other members of the stepfamily system can take on human characteristics again – and not be so boxed into the stereotypes they’ve been encased in.
Where did we get the idea that we were supposed to know how to make a stepfamily work all on our own? Even though the stepfamily has been a common family form for much longer than people realize, we don’t have a positive cultural norms for it, or a general understanding of how to make it work effectively. I don’t know about you, but “they” didn’t tell me how to do it right!
I decided to something about this serious lack of training. There are two statistics that just scream to me: as of 2010, the number of stepfamilies is expected to surpass that of first families; and less than a third of stepfamilies make it! Most manufacturers have instituted six sigma programs to reduce failure rates to far less than one percent – but we’re accepting a failure rate of 70% in something as important as our most prevalent family type… Are we mad??
It’s time to institute expert training – bringing in up-to-date research knowledge and a bird’s eye view, to train people in how the stepfamily system works. Creating a Successful Stepfamily brings in this broader view, and synthesizes the best information from both of the most respected organizations in the field: the Stepfamily Foundation and the National Stepfamily Resource Center, as well as the newest and best literature on the topic. Importantly, it’s taught by someone who’s been there, and done it- successfully.
I am very happy to say that my family beat the statistics, because I adore my family. Maybe because stepfamilies can be so hard, it’s tremendously gratifying to make it to the success line (here’s a happy research finding: once stepfamilies make it to the 5-year mark, they’re the most stable family type around!). I got a phone call from my stepdaughter today in France, telling me about some exciting European adventures ahead.. and afterwards my head was spinning with so much joy for her I realized I couldn’t be happier if she was my own daughter… And my son and my husband now have tremendous mutual appreciation, and the bond between them continues to grow.
Once you learn the rules of the stepfamily, playing the game can be great fun!
About JoanJoan Sarin, M.S. is a social psychologist and stepfamily educator (master coach with the Stepfamily Foundation). Her website, www.StepmomSOS.com provides training and guidance for stepfamily members; her 6-week online webinar Creating a Successful Stepfamily is endorsed by top professionals in the field of stepfamily relations.
For $10 per month you can become a FAN Sponsor of The Stepmom’s Toolbox Radio Show! We’ll add your business, service, or blog link to our show page!
Join Peggy Nolan and Erin Erickson as they host “Stepmoms Chat” on Monday, February 15, 2010 at 8PM EST.
Call in number: (347) 843-4229
Listen Live from the comfort of your own home! The show will be available for download immediately after airing!
We will be following up with Cathryn’s recommendation to not take things so personally. We will be referencing the book, The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.
DON’T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.
Thanks to a wonderful sister stepmom, I found this fabulous article on communication, written by Bryan Stipe. Here’s an excerpt and a link to read the full article! (Trust me, you want to read the full article!)
Why Can’t He Hear What You’re Saying?
Your lips are moving. Sounds are coming out, and you swear you’re speaking English. But he’s Just. Not. Getting it. What to do? Read on for insight into why men misinterpret what women say — and how you can make yourself heard.
It was a novice mistake, I admit — the kind of dumb thing you do two months into a relationship
, not four years. My wife and I were having dinner with friends and I was telling a story about how her brother crashed his car. Yes, maybe I hyperbolized a little bit, played it for laughs at his expense. So when Kristen shot me her death-ray look across the table — the one that means: You have committed some gaffe, said something offensive, revealed something private, etc., and should cease and desist — I ceased and desisted.
But afterward, on the car ride home, she was still mad. “I mean, at this point you shouldn’t even apologize,” she said. So I didn’t apologize. I said I understood. I held her hand a little in the car, and when we got home I made a bowl of ice cream and watched Big Love. Later, Kristen came into the den, all dressed for bed, and stood silently watching Bill Paxton
READ MORE (because you really want to!!)
Susan Nolen-Hoeksma’s Women Who Think Too Much—How To Break Free of Overthinking and Reclaim Your Life is like a magic wand; her suggestions are often that easy. Divided into three sections, the book covers the what’s, the why’s, the how’s, and the when’s. Part I introduces overthinking and explains how it has become a cultural phenomenon, affecting women in particular. In Part II, Nolen-Hoeksma gives quick fixes to stop overthinking in the moment; my two favorites are saying “stop” to yourself when you recognize you are overthinking and scheduling a thinking time. I often find that by the time I get to my thinking hour, the issue doesn’t seem so important or so emotionally laden. Part II also gives active and proactive steps to combat overthinking in the future. However, if you are anything like me, you will find yourself morbidly fascinated by Part III.
Click HERE to read the rest of Jessica Wither’s review!
I was a recently divorced single mom with four kids all under six years of age. I was doing well. I had healed from the pain of betrayal and divorce and had actively forgiven my ex-husband. I was focused on my children. I was not interested in dating. I was not interested in a social life. I believed in my heart that I was designed to be a wife and mother and I did not want to grow old alone but a man was not in my immediate future. I figured God would bring someone into my life in five years and I certainly could wait. But then I met Andy.
It began as a friendship. We met at Church and our girls were hanging out together. He was a single dad who was totally devoted to his two daughters and I admired that quality immensely in him. We talked a lot and it became apparent early on that we enjoyed each other’s company. We did a book study of “The Purpose Driven Life”. We would laugh each week as we noticed how we both underlined the exact same sentences. Thus began what we refer to as our “wavelength”. We started spending time together taking the kids to the park, sledding, baking cookies, etc. Because Andy had his girls full-time, we never went on actual dates. When my kids were at their dad’s apartment, I would go over to his house and we would spend our time making dinner, eating with the girls, tucking them into bed and then talking into the wee hours while we folded laundry. I was growing to love him over heartfelt talks and folding sweatpants. I couldn’t get over how sweet, honest and genuine he was.
A few months into our relationship, Andy lost his childcare. We decided that I would watch the girls. It was a blessing in disguise as at that time were not yet engaged. I got to discover all types of things about them that really helped once we were married. The biggest issue that it helped me with was feeding them. I love to cook. It brings me pleasure to serve my family a well-balanced meal every night and I take great pride in my cooking. It was quite a shock to my motherly system to have my meals and menus shot down by my soon to be stepdaughters. I learned that part of their rejection was based on past likes and part was control. They rejected my homemade pizza because I use mozzarella and not cheddar. They put ketchup on everything. They were picky but I had to realize that they were allowed to be picky in the past and that I didn’t raise them, I shouldn’t change them. A mantra that I still sing today!
Because we were dating with young kids, it was hard to find privacy to talk when they were awake. When we needed a few minutes alone, we would sneak out into the garage and stand on the one stair. I have grown to love that stair. It’s where we shared our first kiss. It’s where we told each other we loved one another and it’s where he proposed. Yes, in the garage. He took my hand and led me into the garage where he had spelled out in lit tea lights “I love you” and he got on bended knee. And as a forecast of things to come, I had no sooner said YES then his oldest daughter opened the garage door to announce she couldn’t sleep.
We were married 5 ½ months later. The wedding was beautiful. It was simple. It was focused on our love and the bringing together of two families. Our Pastor prayed endurance, encouragement and harmony over us. At the time, I didn’t understand those three blessings but I am very thankful for them today. The kids seemed genuinely excited about us getting married. My kids really liked Andy and his girls liked me and wanted a mom. Then reality hit about six months into our new family. You can see it reflected in photos. Candid shots show the kids happy, smiling, laughing, hugging but posed shots are a different story. My oldest is stoic and his youngest looks lost. Precursors of things to come….
I can honestly say that over the nearly three years of married life, I have grown to love my husband more and more each day. Stepfamily life has been challenging for me, for my husband, and for all of our kids. But it is a challenge that I treasure. I think my daughter said it best when she said “I didn’t know what a stepfamily really meant. I didn’t know you getting married would mean I would move houses, change schools, change friends, and share a room…. I wanted you to get married but I didn’t realize everything that would go with it. It’s hard.”
Our house is built on faith, hope, love and commitment. My husband and I believe in our marriage and in our family. We are committed to one another and to encouraging others in their stepfamily journey. Our story is far from over. We will continue to nurture our marriage and our family; help our daughter with ADHD; help our son with a learning disability; care for the pets; our aging parents; deal with my husband’s ex-wife who voluntarily gave up rights to her girls under the condition of uninterrupted phone contact; deal with the aftermath of each of her calls on the girls; fight for my rights as a parent in my SD’s life; work with my ex-husband on parenting my kids; and the list will forever go on and on….
I have learned that my worst days are those in which I had my own expectations of how the day would go. I am learning to let go of control and to CELEBRATE the beauty of a boring day.
Heather Hetchler has a heart for stepmoms and remarried families. She is the mom of four and stepmom of two. Heather holds a BA in Speech Communication and a Masters in Communication Research. Heather and her husband Andy facilitate the DivorceCare course at their church which is a 13 week class to bring healing to those suffering from the pain of divorce. They also serve on the team that leads their church’s StepFamily Ministry. In addition, Heather runs a local support group for stepmoms. They meet on a monthly basis to share their stories and offer information, hope and encouragement to one another. Heather is the founder of www.cafesmom.com
