I’m a huge fan of Mark Gungor’s “Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage.” This ten minute clip is worth every second you spend watching it. Watch it this with you husband TODAY…because you both might figure out a better to communicate and guys – that unintentionally thoughtless you suffer from – there’s a reason!
Stepmum of the Year has a great challenge to help get you off the couch or to help you get your husband’s ex-wife out of your head! What a fabulous idea Stepmum and I’m glad you’re on the road to your 5k goals.
Wednesday Martin as a great post, “Will You Be Your Valentine?” Will you? What steps are you taking to take care of you? Check out her post and leave a comment – the more ideas we have, the better solutions we can create!
February’s issue of StepMom Magazine is available online in a web browser near you! It’s full of great articles on Sex, Romance, and True Love. You can read my own love story, “Happily Remarried Ever After” and yes, you do need to subscribe – but with great articles by Wednesday Martin, Mary Kelly-Williams, Jacque Fletcher, Angie Blackwell and more – why would you pass up this fabulous magazine for stepmoms by stepmoms! Plus, check out the Boudoir Photo book suggestion from both the Stylish Stepmom and Becky Lippett!
Last night’s Stepmom’s Toolbox Radio Show was fabulous! Our guests, Cathryn Bond-Doyle and Tricia Powe were AWESOME! The show is available for down load or you can click below and listen in as Cathryn and Tricia dish tips, tools and advice on How To Handle Your Husband’s Ex-Wife!
In the unique family dynamic that I find myself in, it is important to have boundaries. Mine aren’t brick walls, electric fences, or steel baricades. But they are there, they do exist.
In my own experience, where Richard’s ex-wife and I get along, cooperate, have gone out for drinks, shopped for grand baby clothes together, celebrated Christmas together, an outsider would ask, “so…tell me, where’s your boundary?”
My boundary is around my marriage. A sacred covenant that my husband and I entered into before God, our families, and our friends. Second to God, our marriage is the number one most important thing in our lives. We both failed with our respective first marriages and neither of us, after finding each other again, want to see a repeat.
Recently, his ex-wife crossed our marriage boundary by assuming that she could stay with us on our vacation in Florida. A misunderstood converastion that took place last Saturday resulted in an incorrect assumption and a back door attempt to stay with us. After discussing the situation and running different scenarios in my head with her under the same roof, I came to my own personal truth. I had to politely tell her “No.”
No one esle could tell her this. Not my husband, not her sister, not her children. It had to be me. I struggled with doing the right thing because her kids are staying with us and they are her kids. Her sister is staying with us and she is her sister. But the difference is she is Richard’s EX-WIFE.
Seriously. What if I wanted to have sex with my husband and she’s twenty feet down the hallway? That has AWKWARD written all over it. In fact, if she did stay with us I can count how many times Richard and I would have sex while on vacation…ZERO.
Or what if Richard made me coffee and she drank out of the same pot of coffee he made for me? It doesn’t matter that five other people might drink out of that same pot: no one but his ex-wife is his ex-wife.
Richard and I discussed our strategy and how we would deal with this together. I can’t stress how important his sponsorhip and support of my feelings and my decision to politely say “no.” He understood. He agreed. And he backed me up.
When I broke the news to her over the phone, she hung up on me. She called my husband to yell at him and hung up on him. She yelled at my stepdaughters. She really caused a big commotion. And all I said to her was “You are more than welcome to hang out with us during the day, from breakfast til midnight, but can you stay at your dad’s?”
Through the drama and chaos I have remained mostly calm. I’ve had a few eye crossing moments, where my ego wants to squash a bug with a bazooka, but my Inner Knower has turned down the volume on my ego. Richard has helped tremendously by simply reminding me “we don’t have to respond immediately.” Press Pause.
I can speak my truth and remain true to myself, honor my boundaries, my marriage and my feelings while remaining compassionate towards Richard’s ex-wife. Hurt feelings are inevetiable, but suffering is optional. Pain from her past reared its ugly head – I am sad that she took that out on Richard and my stepdaughters. I hope that she will apologize to them but do I expect her to? Not really. (But there’s always hope)
While she has come around to “completely understanding” how I feel, she is blaming my husband and her sister for putting “us in this position” when it is she who misunderstood a conversation and incorrectly assumed that she could stay with us.
As I navigate the murky waters of the relationship I have with Richard’s ex-wife, I have learned something very important. It’s ok to say “no.” It’s ok to have boundaries. I said “no” and I’m perfectly ok with it. The earth is still spinning, the sun still rose, and it’s still winter in New England.
The Stepmom’s Toolbox Radio Show now on Blog Talk Radio!
Join Erin Erickson and Peggy Nolan as we dish tips, tools, and advice on How to Handle Your Husband’s Ex-Wife with guests Tricia Powe and Cathryn Bond-Doyle!
When: February 1, 2010
Time: 8PM EST
Call in number: (347) 843-4229
You Don’t Want to Miss This Show! Call in, listen live, ask the experts, share your experience!
I have spent the last four years trying to “fix” what I thought was wrong with my boyfriend, his kids, and his ex-wife.
It felt good at first to have my boyfriend be so grateful for my help and it felt good that his kids loved me (we had so much fun with them until the Teenage Boy Syndrome kicked in!) and to be honest… it even felt good to know that his ex was so threatened by me. Yes… I was a better role model for them than she could ever be.
Now four years later I realize that I haven’t “fixed” anything! His ex is still crazy… the kids are still a product of her craziness. And my boyfriend is no longer grateful for my help… now he just expects it. I have compromised myself and my feelings the whole time in order to keep things running smoothly.
I have preached “MY” way of doing things to my boyfriend. I have said things like, “When your ex said that to you… you should have said XYZ!” And… “When SS14 mouthed off to you… you should have… !!” You get the picture. I now understand that… his ex is his ex… not mine. The kids are his children… not mine. He needs to handle all of them in a way that he is comfortable with. Not in a way that I would do it.
I will no longer treat my boyfriend as a child who needs my guidance… instead I will be the supportive person in his life. After all the man is almost forty… he’s done pretty well during the first 35 years that I wasn’t around. I will also not try to control his kids’ behavior. They are not my responsibility. If their parents allow them to speak to them in ways that I don’t approve of… there’s not much I can do about that. I can only control how they speak to me… and after four years… the kids know what I expect from them.
I am releasing my control… I will concentrate on what makes me happy. Spending quality time with my boyfriend!! I will enjoy my stepsons as much as I can and understand that however they turn out is not in my control. I will allow my boyfriend to deal with his ex in the way he sees fit… and I will understand that they have a history together that I will never comprehend… so why try.
I want to look in the mirror again and see that beautiful, energetic, fun, smart and loving woman that I lost a few years ago. I know she’s still in there… I just need to remove all the “baggage” that I’ve piled in front of her!
And Peggy… thank you for my new mantra…
I DID NOT BREAK THEM… IT IS NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY TO FIX THEM!!
****
Stephanie originally posted this on SMOMS.org and gave me permission to publish it on The Stepmom’s Toolbox. It took another voice, saying the same things, for Stephanie to realize that she had to take the parent out of step-parent and put her relationship first. A very special thanks to Mary Kelly-Williams and her eye opening article, “Take the Parenting out of Step-Parenting.” I encourage every stepmom to read it!
I promise I haven’t gone MIA – I’ve been on a small vacation in Ireland – meeting my future son-in-law…but now I’m baaaaaaaaaaaaack!
This morning, as I was getting in touch with my blog community, I watched this video on my friend, SuZen’s blog, “Erasing the Bored.” As I watched this, I realized how important it was to share throughout the stepmom community.
When you’re focused on the negative, the negative feeds upon itself and in your heart. You end up feeding your anger, your resentment, your frustration, and in the author’s case, she fed her disease.
Take a look at the clip…it’s only 4 minutes short…
What would your life look like if you decided to give a gift every day for the next twenty-nine days?
What would your life look like if you stopped feeding the drama of your husband’s ex-wife, your stepkids, your in-laws, your neighbors, your co-workers?
I will be taking on the 29 Gifts in 29 Days Challenge…you can, too. Visit, http://29gifts.org
Who’s turmoil are you caught up in? What turmoil are you caught up in?
Jacquelyn Fletcher has an awesome post – check out her take on The Stepmother’s Bill of Rights and then ask yourself if you are causing some of your own turmoil…
I recently received this award for both The Stepmom’s Toolbox and my other blog, Serendipity Smiles from one of my blog friends, Angelia Sims of You Think You Can Blog fame. Angelia just got engaged and later this year will become a stepmom to two of the most adorable little girls. Thank you Ang…you are going to be an awesome stepmom…you already are!
The only rule with this award is that I need to pass it along to fifteen blogs…without further adieu…I give you the fifteen blogs I read the most…(and this is a combined list of stepmom blogs and personal development blogs…so if you see this same post on my other blog, that’s because my blogs don’t always swim in the same blog pool together…)
1. Jacquelyn Fletcher’s Becoming a Stepmom – she was the first stepmom blog I found in 2008 and I’ve been reading her wisdom ever since! (Not to mention picking her brain on my most recent radio show!)
2. Jennifer Newcomb Marine’s No One’s the Bitch – her publicist / agent / the guy at the publishing company found me and asked if I’d review her and Carol’s book “No One’s the Bitch.” Moi? Review a book? Sure! I loved the book…especially chapter two…Own Your Own Crap.
3. Erin Erickson of the Erin Experiment – I met Erin through the Step Family Letter Project…and then found out she created StepChicks and was BFF with Izzy Rose…so I just had to get to know her. Glad I did, because she agreed to be my radio show’s co-host. We make a good pair…and she writes a good blog!
4. Izzy Rose of Stepmother’s Milk – Izzy found me after I left up a post about reviewing Stepmonster while on vacation on some tropical island…Izzy promptly sent me a copy to review and if I’m ever in Austin, Texas, I’m taking her out for a martini.
5. Wednesday Martin of Wednesday Martin’s Blog – I can’t remember how I got sent her book to review…maybe I actually bought this one…but I brought it with me to the Turks and Caicos and yes, I did read it while I was laying under a big blue umbrella, drinking a corona, and enjoying the blueness of the water…at any rate, I love her blog and the other one she writes on Psychology Today.
6. Georgina at Dad’s Second Whatever – I know her blog is undergoing a bit of a remodel right now, but Georgina not only writes about her experience as a stepmom, but she writes these amazing love stories about her and her husband…she’s a gifted writer and if you want to read ooey gooey mush, read her blog…you’ll be glad you did (I like mush)
7. Stepmum of the Year – this is a new blog that I’ve started following…and I’m really liking what I read. SOTY is funny and introspective and she’s not afraid to look under the hood of her own stepmum experience.
8. Stepalicious – I don’t get over there as often as I like, but she has nothing but good stuff. And her hubs is away right now for a long period of time, so check her out and leave some comment love for her,too.
9. Joy Christian of Ethereal Joy – yup, that’s the name of her boat…and she lives on it, too. I love reading Joy’s blog – uplifting, inspiring, creative, she spreads joy and happiness in each post.
10. Jodi Sloane at Joy Discovered – Jodi is my longest blog friend – we started blogging about the same time and found each other. I read every post she writes. Every. Post. So should you.
11. Megan “Joy Girl!” Bord at It’s All About Joy – yes, I realize I follow and read blogs about JOY! Megan’s blog is so well written, I feel better after I’ve paid her a visit…she’ll brighten your day, too.
12. SuZen at Erasing the Bored – SuZen, I know you don’t know what to do with your blog bling, but I can’t help but give you this one as well. I love your blog. Period.
13. Nadia at Happy Lotus – Thoughtful, inspiring, smart, fabulous. Nadia will show you a whole new way to look at your life!
14. Wilma and Ann-Marie at Wilma’s Blog – I’ve been part of their conversations now for, oh, four months or so. I don’t leave drive by comments. Their posts are so thought provoking that I end up leaving mini-novels and often go back for seconds on the same post. Wilma and Ann-Marie will rattle the fluff inside your head and challenge you to live more authentically!
15. Zeenat at Positive Provocations – another blog I’ve recently started reading. I’ve seen Zeenat around the blogsphere…we hang out at the same watering holes. Well, one day I followed her link back to her blog and I’m glad I did. Z spreads positiveness, happiness, motivation, and inspiration in each post!
My A-Ha Moment
